Are you a wench? The official test of the International Wenches Guild

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

Are You a Wench?

If you can answer any 3 of these questions with an "ohh yeah", then you are obviously a woman of distinction, a product of excellent breeding, possessed of stunning (if not vaguely dubious) talents and appetites and clearly belong in the International Wenches Guild.

1. Do men require an "adjustment" after kissing you?
2. Is your tongue registered as a precision surgical instrument?
3. Have you been accused of smuggling melons across state lines?
4. Do you really know what a sponge is for?
5. Was "Soak a Bloke" considered your time off?
6. Do you think it's wise to use ice cubes and menthol together?
7. Is whipped cream more than just a dessert topping?
8. Do men lose the power of speech when you adjust your bodice or breath deeply?
9. Are you vertically challenged but horizontally gifted?
10. Do you like to play with your food?
11. When removing your bra on Monday, do you find enough loose change to buy breakfast?

For instance, A True Wench should...

• Remember that all men are created surplus.
• Be able to procure alcohol or funds at any given moment.
• Never suffer from an empty cup or have to pay for it.
• Be proficient enough in neck biting so as to disable at least one (1) whole side of a man's body.
• Maintain a repertoire of at least three Dirty Ballads with which to sing for her supper.
• Be willing and able to prove the authenticity of her hair color anytime, anywhere.
• When walking, have the flexibility when wearing a studded hip belt to butt out an eye.
• Realize that, when lacing a bodice, if she can still breathe, it's not tight enough.
• Be known to and easily recognized by every Rose Girl and Alekeep on a Faire site.
• Be able to interrupt a scripted scene simply by the way she eats or breathes.
• Maintain at least the illusion that she can "raise the dead", metaphorically speaking.
• Be able to cause mustache growth on a 10 year old Boy Scout with a "wubby".
• Know how to polish a sword so as to keep resulting patron drool from pitting the steel.
• Strive to create an interesting pattern in her bodice tan without undue stinging or particular indignity.
• Have no problem changing her wardrobe in a busy parking lot.
• Master the technique of removing the whipped cream from a rose without damaging the petals.
• Know all the right animal noises.

Does that sound like you? Well, what are you waiting for then? Join us!