Tweet
Gee Thanks a lot
I
want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I
no longer open a bathroom door without using a
paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I
can’t use the remote in a hotel room
because I don’t
know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
channels.
I
can’t sit down on the hotel bedspreadbecause I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..
I
have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
one’s nose.
Eating
a little snack sends me on a guilt tripbecause I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years..
I
can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I
MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me
the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to
scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I
no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th
time.
I
no longer have any money, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I
no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa’s Novena has granted my every
wish.
I
can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll
wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I
can’t eat at KFC because their
chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or
feathers.
I
can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS
TO YOU I have learned
that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE
OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I
no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling
up.
I
no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under
God’ on their cans.
I
no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave
because it causes seven different types of cancer.
I
no longer go to the movies because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I
no longer go to shoppingmalls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I
no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I
no longer answer the phonebecause someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I
no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since
I now have their recipe.
THANKS
TO YOU I can’t use
anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the
seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND
THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick
up$1.00dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend
over..
I
no longer drive my car because buying gas
from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others
supports South American dictators.
I
can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid
I’ll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If
you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician . . .
Oh,
by the way.....
A
German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
mouse.
Don’t
bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my
toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes
over 6 ft. out of the
toilet.
Did I leave any out?
want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I
no longer open a bathroom door without using a
paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I
can’t use the remote in a hotel room
because I don’t
know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
channels.
I
can’t sit down on the hotel bedspreadbecause I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..
I
have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
one’s nose.
Eating
a little snack sends me on a guilt tripbecause I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years..
I
can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I
MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me
the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to
scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I
no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th
time.
I
no longer have any money, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I
no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa’s Novena has granted my every
wish.
I
can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll
wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I
can’t eat at KFC because their
chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or
feathers.
I
can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS
TO YOU I have learned
that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE
OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I
no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling
up.
I
no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under
God’ on their cans.
I
no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave
because it causes seven different types of cancer.
I
no longer go to the movies because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I
no longer go to shoppingmalls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I
no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I
no longer answer the phonebecause someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I
no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since
I now have their recipe.
THANKS
TO YOU I can’t use
anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the
seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND
THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick
up$1.00dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend
over..
I
no longer drive my car because buying gas
from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others
supports South American dictators.
I
can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid
I’ll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If
you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician . . .
Oh,
by the way.....
A
German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
mouse.
Don’t
bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my
toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes
over 6 ft. out of the
toilet.
Did I leave any out?
Comment