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Subject: THANKS FOR ALL YOUR EMAILS THIS YEAR
SUMMARY OF LAST YR AT THE COMPUTER -
>
>
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
> on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
> needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
> who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
> for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
> buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
> an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
> a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
> anymore because it will blow up in my face....disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
> with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
> sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
> Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
> for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singaporeand
> Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
> replacement pair from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
> recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites
> my butt.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
> live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found
> dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I
> can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
> you to grow a hairy hump.
>
> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
> door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
SUMMARY OF LAST YR AT THE COMPUTER -
>
>
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
> on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
> needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
> who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
> for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
> buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
> an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
> a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
> anymore because it will blow up in my face....disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
> with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
> sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
> Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
> for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singaporeand
> Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
> replacement pair from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
> recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites
> my butt.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
> live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found
> dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I
> can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
> you to grow a hairy hump.
>
> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
> door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
JEMartin 
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