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From the Serious Sports News Network: Ian Kennedy named Governor of New York to replace Spitzer
ALBANY, NY — Leveraging a little-known clause called the “Best Kennedy available” clause, New York democrats have decided to install Ian Kennedy as their new governor, to replace the deposed and disgraced Elliot Spitzer.
The law, which is apparently a remnant law from the 1960s that has never been taken off the books, allows that the “citizens of New York, at any time, may install any person with the last name of Kennedy into any public office, without any sort of vote or any clear inclination that said Kennedy is prepared to hold office.”
“This law was written for a time like this,” said James Michener, 47, a democratic consultant from Nassau County in Long Island. “Here is a state that is reeling form the events of the past few days. It needs leadership. Who better to bring us all together with boyish charm and perceived integrity than a Kennedy? Nobody, that’s who.”
Ian Kennedy was stunned at the revelation, but gladly accepted the new challenge, on the condition that he still be allowed to pitch for the Yankees whenever possible.
“I have now realized my two dreams in life,” Kennedy said. “I am a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees, and I am fighting on behalf of the American working citizen in the hallowed halls of Albany. Things simply cannot get any better.”
Spitzer was forced to resign his office after a sex scandal rocked the state, and New York democrats scrambled quickly to find a replacement.
“Originally we were just going to go with the Lieutenant Governor,” Michener said. “That seemed like our only choice, with the stupid order-of-succession and all. But then we realized, ‘Hey, there’s this Kennedy law still on the books.’ And sure, there are other Kennedy’s – some even with political experience. But we decided maybe political experience was part of the problem here, so we wanted to go fresh.”
A committee quickly narrowed the choices to Ian Kennedy, Jaime Kennedy, and former MTV VJ Kennedy, before making their final determination.
“I think he’s going to be a great governor,” said Derek Jeter, a big Kennedy supporter. “He has demonstrated poise that belies his years and a wisdom that portends great things for this state.
Alex Rodriguez agreed.
“Ian Kennedy may someday go down as the greatest Kennedy ever to be an elected official in the state of New York and a pitcher for the Yankees at the same time,” he said. “But he’s got to keep his nose clean, keep his focus. As his off-the-books personal consultant, I think I’ll be able to help him do that.”
The law, which is apparently a remnant law from the 1960s that has never been taken off the books, allows that the “citizens of New York, at any time, may install any person with the last name of Kennedy into any public office, without any sort of vote or any clear inclination that said Kennedy is prepared to hold office.”
“This law was written for a time like this,” said James Michener, 47, a democratic consultant from Nassau County in Long Island. “Here is a state that is reeling form the events of the past few days. It needs leadership. Who better to bring us all together with boyish charm and perceived integrity than a Kennedy? Nobody, that’s who.”
Ian Kennedy was stunned at the revelation, but gladly accepted the new challenge, on the condition that he still be allowed to pitch for the Yankees whenever possible.
“I have now realized my two dreams in life,” Kennedy said. “I am a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees, and I am fighting on behalf of the American working citizen in the hallowed halls of Albany. Things simply cannot get any better.”
Spitzer was forced to resign his office after a sex scandal rocked the state, and New York democrats scrambled quickly to find a replacement.
“Originally we were just going to go with the Lieutenant Governor,” Michener said. “That seemed like our only choice, with the stupid order-of-succession and all. But then we realized, ‘Hey, there’s this Kennedy law still on the books.’ And sure, there are other Kennedy’s – some even with political experience. But we decided maybe political experience was part of the problem here, so we wanted to go fresh.”
A committee quickly narrowed the choices to Ian Kennedy, Jaime Kennedy, and former MTV VJ Kennedy, before making their final determination.
“I think he’s going to be a great governor,” said Derek Jeter, a big Kennedy supporter. “He has demonstrated poise that belies his years and a wisdom that portends great things for this state.
Alex Rodriguez agreed.
“Ian Kennedy may someday go down as the greatest Kennedy ever to be an elected official in the state of New York and a pitcher for the Yankees at the same time,” he said. “But he’s got to keep his nose clean, keep his focus. As his off-the-books personal consultant, I think I’ll be able to help him do that.”
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