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GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there on
the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar
from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see
are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your
flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful.
It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees;
only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains
to grow it and keep it green. They begin each
spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make
the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows
little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop?
Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to
throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow,
they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and
turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.
ST FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses
and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do
say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form
a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle
of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves
fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist
and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out
and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in
place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to
make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this
anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge
of the arts. What movie have you scheduled
for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story
about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from St. Francis.
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there on
the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar
from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see
are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your
flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful.
It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees;
only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains
to grow it and keep it green. They begin each
spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make
the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows
little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop?
Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to
throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow,
they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and
turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.
ST FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses
and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do
say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form
a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle
of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves
fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist
and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out
and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in
place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to
make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this
anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge
of the arts. What movie have you scheduled
for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story
about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from St. Francis.
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