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courtesy of The Onion: Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife Lorraine Reports
BRISTOL, CT—Emerging from her husband's dressing room slightly out of breath and sporting nothing more than a silk robe and tousled hair, Lorraine Vitale, wife of iconic ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale, told reporters Sunday that her spouse is at his sexual peak during March Madness.
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According to Mrs. Vitale, their lovemaking becomes longer and more intense as the NCAA tournament progresses—sometimes lasting well into the morning hours if her spouse has had a particularly heated exchange with fellow college basketball analyst Jay Bilas. She said that once the Sweet 16 is set, Mr. Vitale enjoys achieving orgasm by playing erotic games such as the "Cameron Crazy" and the "Diaper Dandy."
"That's what the baby bottle and diaper are for," she said.
But what her husband enjoys playing most, Mrs. Vitale noted, is "Duke vs. UNC," a game in which he dresses up as a Blue Devil, she wears a University of North Carolina cheerleader outfit, and, at the sound of an air horn, the two "go at it hard like two in-state rivals."
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The Vitales' odd and oftentimes graphic lascivious behavior began in March 1983, when the two spontaneously made love on Testudo, an oversized bronze statue of a diamondback terrapin turtle that sits outside the University of Maryland library. It was at that point that Lorraine Vitale said she knew something carnal had taken over her husband.
"It was after a pretty close game with a tournament spot on the line. We were walking through campus, and Dick whispered to me, 'The students rub [the turtle] for luck, so let's get really lucky tonight,'" she said. "I'll never forget it. The torn-off underwear, the cool bronze against my knees, and Dick's hot body on my back thrusting, thrusting, thrusting…. Excuse me, I need a drink of water."
"Hey, Lorraine, come on," Dick Vitale could be heard saying from inside his dressing room. "I want to try this cream that Bob [Knight] and Karen [Knight] use."
Before reentering the dressing room, Mrs. Vitale confirmed what everyone had already assumed to be true: that immediately after the NCAA championship game Dick Vitale ejaculates one last time, rolls over, and sleeps through the entire month of April.
…
According to Mrs. Vitale, their lovemaking becomes longer and more intense as the NCAA tournament progresses—sometimes lasting well into the morning hours if her spouse has had a particularly heated exchange with fellow college basketball analyst Jay Bilas. She said that once the Sweet 16 is set, Mr. Vitale enjoys achieving orgasm by playing erotic games such as the "Cameron Crazy" and the "Diaper Dandy."
"That's what the baby bottle and diaper are for," she said.
But what her husband enjoys playing most, Mrs. Vitale noted, is "Duke vs. UNC," a game in which he dresses up as a Blue Devil, she wears a University of North Carolina cheerleader outfit, and, at the sound of an air horn, the two "go at it hard like two in-state rivals."
…
The Vitales' odd and oftentimes graphic lascivious behavior began in March 1983, when the two spontaneously made love on Testudo, an oversized bronze statue of a diamondback terrapin turtle that sits outside the University of Maryland library. It was at that point that Lorraine Vitale said she knew something carnal had taken over her husband.
"It was after a pretty close game with a tournament spot on the line. We were walking through campus, and Dick whispered to me, 'The students rub [the turtle] for luck, so let's get really lucky tonight,'" she said. "I'll never forget it. The torn-off underwear, the cool bronze against my knees, and Dick's hot body on my back thrusting, thrusting, thrusting…. Excuse me, I need a drink of water."
"Hey, Lorraine, come on," Dick Vitale could be heard saying from inside his dressing room. "I want to try this cream that Bob [Knight] and Karen [Knight] use."
Before reentering the dressing room, Mrs. Vitale confirmed what everyone had already assumed to be true: that immediately after the NCAA championship game Dick Vitale ejaculates one last time, rolls over, and sleeps through the entire month of April.
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