Having a stressful time with long divorced elderly parents

[billymach4 Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close billymach4]

My parents have been divorced since about 1970. Both have since remarried. Father is now 83, Mom 75.

My Fathers second wife passed in November. He is in good health and has all of his mental faculties and can live independently for now.

However he has a hoarding problem Big Time. With the help of my cousin, and Aunt we have managed to toss and clean up about 25%. However he does not maintain a clean home after we leave, and refuses any outside assistance.

My Mother has short term memory loss in a big way. Does not remember what to do from one minute to the next. Forgets if she consumed her last meal, forgets who she speaks to on the phone during the day, and from one day to the next.

My Mothers husband has been battling cancer for about 2 years now. He has just accepted in Home Hospice care.

What complicated matters is that I never had a good relationship with either Step Parent. Step Father is a verbal abuser in a big way to his children, and my sister, myself, and to mother.

To my Step Fathers credit he has been a good caregiver to my mother since she had triple bypass surgery 16 months ago. However all of this is about to change since he as agreed to in Home Hospice care.

We are now looking to provide my mother with some in home care as well.

All of the above has consumed much of my free time lately. Wishing for happy days ahead!

[JLB Please excuse me, I'm a Dick. Not a moron just a Dick Find all posts View Profile Close JLB]

Wow, except for the fact that mine have passed, we have/had the same parents.

Except, my Mom was the hoarder and did not remarry.

Their divorce, when I was a wee little one, wound up on the front page of the Des Moines Register (which explains a lot ), and they kept the angst going til the end.

Surprisingly, Dad passed a year before Mom, and she came to his funeral, and sat in the front row!

Dad's second wife was buried next to her first husband. Dad and Mom are buried alone.

Awkward?

What's free time? Dad has been gone 9 years and I am still working on his affairs!

[Glitter Brunello Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Glitter Brunello]

It's hard to go through this under any circumstances, I hope you can get things sorted out soon. Home care for you Mom will hopefully provide some relief. The hoarding doesn't sound like there's much you can do for now

[billymach4 Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close billymach4]

Well I managed to get my fathers affairs in order soon after his wife passed. I was amazed how complicit he was.

He was so fearful of speaking of his finances around me when his wife was around. She did not want to reveal anything about finances. Funny thing was both do not have much in the way of assets. She had old world paranoia big time. Plus his wife went on spending sprees for shoes and clothes. She could compete with Imelda Marcos. I must have hauled away about 10 trash bags full of shoes to the Salvation Army. She dug my poor father into debt.

He has managed to pay off her old Credit Cards.

Funny how both parents remarried abusive spouses.

[billymach4 Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close billymach4]

It's hard to go through this under any circumstances, I hope you can get things sorted out soon. Home care for you Mom will hopefully provide some relief. The hoarding doesn't sound like there's much you can do for now

Thank You Glitter.

My wife is over there today speaking to the Hospice Nurse. We need to get a social worker to guide us for care regarding my Mom.

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

What a difficult situation! I feel for you, and your wife. Its tough caring for aging parents, no question about it.

Hang in there! Hopefully, the in-home health care will ease things up a bit.

[jackio Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close jackio]

Sorry you are going through this
I hope the home care is the answer for your mom. My father suffered from dementia for 3 years before he passed. Every day was a challenge.

[IreneLF Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close IreneLF]

Not much to add except sorry for your stress. As my mother always said, " this too shall pass."

[CarolF Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close CarolF]

However he has a hoarding problem Big Time. With the help of my cousin, and Aunt we have managed to toss and clean up about 25%. However he does not maintain a clean home after we leave, and refuses any outside assistance.

Eck, I know all about hoarding, drives me around the bend. I remember the story of the deceased estate where the old lady had a box labelled "STRING - too short for anything" and sure enough it was a box filled with tiny pieces of string.

My Mum had dementia. Threw away lots of stuff - passport, bank cards, underpants, socks, I think lots of it was flushed down the toilet. Kept me busy replacing stuff.

I'm not sure which is easier to deal with, the hoarding or the discarding. Either way, it can be very stressful, my heart goes out to you. I sure hope the in home care takes some of the pressure off.

[JLB Please excuse me, I'm a Dick. Not a moron just a Dick Find all posts View Profile Close JLB]

Not much to add except sorry for your stress. As my mother always said, " this too shall pass."

& that is the opposite of my mother. For her, nothing would ever pass, something I likely inherited.

[pkyorkbeach Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close pkyorkbeach]

Sorry to hear things are difficult right now. But also glad to hear you are helping out your parents and step parents..Sending you well wishes to keep your chin up and to have strength to ge through it.

[tonyg Goomba & Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close tonyg]

Brings back memories of my problems after my father died and it became evident that my mother had some kind of dementia and came to live with us. When she became abusive towards my daughter, there was no choice but to place her in an appropriate care facility. A very tough time to go through.

[StressCadet Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close StressCadet]

All of the above has consumed much of my free time lately. Wishing for happy days ahead!

I wish the same for you. It's really tough to be the "sandwich generation" You are sooo not alone in caring for your parents. Vent anytime you need to. I think it helps to know that others have and will face the same thing.