OK Moms (&Dads), Parenting question

[SOS8260456 Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close SOS8260456]

At what age were you comfortable leaving your older teenagers/young adults home alone in your house overnight for more than one night?

I have always tended to be way overly protective. I also know that I am struggling with cutting the strings. This has not been good for my 18 year old daughter (graduates this year), who hates to be alone and needs mom to do everything for her which I have been constantly working on weening her from. I honestly can never see her wanting to stay at the house alone for a few nights anyway.

My 17 year old son (graduates next year) however is an entirely different story. He has always been more responsible when it comes to accomplishing what he wants. The downside to this, for me vacationwise, is that he has a part time job which he does not want to take time off from. It is not like we take one family vacation. If that were the case then I would insist he come with us. But you guys know the timesharing lifestyle. We like to go alot, which is not practical for someone who wants to keep their job. This year is covered because my mom and sister are going to come and stay for part of the week and he will stay at their house for the other part. However, I just know the situation is going to come up quite a bit for the next few years before he is finally on his own.

I have also dreamt of the day when we could have them watch their 12 year old sister and my husband and I can have some long overdue romantic getaways.

Just curious what others have experienced.

[Ridewithme38 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ridewithme38]

Your son sounds like a responsible kid, every kid is different when it comes to leaving them overnight....but i don't know why you wouldn't with your son, why not test it with a LONG dinner and a movie with just you and your spouse...leave your son in charge of making dinner for him and the 12yr old and putting the 12yr old to bed...If that doesn't work, i still don't know that i would totally rule it out

[JLB Please excuse me, I'm a Dick. Not a moron just a Dick Find all posts View Profile Close JLB]

My folks were never comfortable leaving me at home for two hours. Not at first, but they came to be that way.

Yet, they left my Senior Prom weekend.

Oops.

[BoardGirl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close BoardGirl]

every kid is different, for sure. I was babysitting by age 13, so leaving me home alone was not an issue.

My parents started travelling heavily around then, too. I was youngest, my brother was off to college, sister was about 2 years older than me.

When I say parents travelled heavily, I mean, gone for months at a time. It was business (mostly), we always had a number to call (one of his assistants always knew where they were as they were in transit frequently, before cell phones) and they would call back when they got the message. There was no instant line to mom and dad.

When my sister rapidly developed some kind of strange illness, it was I that drove her to the doctor who ordered her checked into the hospital immediately. It was I that made sure Dad's assistant knew the urgency as no ins info means no hospital check-in and my sister was in severe pain. It was I that visited her every day, it was I that she woke up to in post-op recovery. I was driving by then, and I know it was summer, both bro and sis were home. bro worked full time, I was part-time, it fell to me to handle. Could your daughter do this? If the 12 yo were hurt, could she put aside emotion and take care of the girl?

Granted, we had grown up as athletes so at a young age I was checking into and out of hotels on my own, making my own meals, etc. We could definitely look after ourselves.

At some point after sis was also away to college, my key broke in the front door lock, leaving me outside. No near family, no neighbors with a key, mine was the only one. So I broke in to the back door that night, covered the broken glass with cardboard, and the next morning took the doorknob to the hw store to get the key out to make a new key and key a new lock, then put the doorknob in myself. This wasn't difficult stuff, it was making a good decision when things went wrong. Parents didn't care that I had to break in, liked that I broke only one pane of glass in the back door, fixed the original problem, didn't make anything worse and did what I could to keep the place Safe.

Their worst fears never materialized - I never had wild parties, I had the same close friends over, never a big bash where people disrespect the home.

If you don't know, I agree with trying a test. You could also throw in a quiz. Something like, what would you do if ... and see if you like the decision-making, the problem-solving process. If it is not up to the level of maturity you require, then, there is your answer. Just be sure to let them know in advance that there is no wrong answer, you are honestly asking What Would You Do, not, what do you think I would want you to do.

It's possible that leaving the 3 kids alone periodically could have wondrous effects - maybe the daughter learns a bit more self-reliance from the son, maybe the 12 yo also learns a few "do for myself" things.

Not sure how well putting son In Charge would go. I grew up with a very thick double standard which was convenient for my mother since baby boy was oldest but was infuriating for me. It would be age-based until I hit that age then it would simply be, Well, he's a boy! as if I could never be as Anything as him because I was a mere girl ... I'm way older now and that crap still rankles.

Could be your older daughter doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but herself and it would be a relief. I woudl simply have that "how would you feel if we left Mike in charge?" discussion with her privately before making a declaration in front of the famly. Couch it in terms that make it easy for her to agree with you that he is a better choice. But please do not say that it is because he is a boy. He may be more responsible and more mature, which she probably already knows, but that's not because he's a boy, it's because he is a separate individual.

[Hobbitess Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Hobbitess]

At what age were you comfortable leaving your older teenagers/young adults home alone in your house overnight for more than one night?

I think it depends, not just on the kid, but on the combination of kids. Eldest daughter is responsible and I would have had no problem leaving her in charge for couple of nights by the time she was fifteen or so, with any combination of my kids except eldest son. Eldest son won't listen to his big sister, plus he's impulsive and bossy, so the other kids won't listen to him, meaning I won't leave him in charge, either, even now he's almost eighteen. Second son, by the age of fifteen, I would leave in charge of his younger sisters or of himself and middle daughter - but not in charge when it's just himself and his youngest sister. Middle daughter listens to second son and youngest daughter listens to middle daughter, but youngest daughter regularly flares up when either of the boys tells her to do anything, so there has to be a sister there to keep things on track.

Your son sounds like he'd be fine home by himself within the next year or two. In terms of kid-free vacations, I tend to try really hard to avoid leaving a kid in charge of his or her siblings unless everyone's good with it; I had too many friends in my own youth who had bad relationships with their siblings because one was left in charge who didn't want to be. Too often, the older one ends up feeling that the younger one is a trial, while the younger one resents the older one as being bossy or a bully (although all the cases I know of, the older one was in charge for a long vacation or every day after school or something). Would definitely do a weekend trial before I did that for a vacation any longer than that. If you can leave the older two in charge of themselves and only need to find someone to care for the youngest, you might consider trading time with another parent or something. We have a friends we supply with food and repairs and stuff a lot who'll take one of our kids for a weekend, no problem; we have other friends who take each others kid or kids for much longer periods so each set of parents can have time alone. So those are some other options you might consider if you don't want the older ones in charge of the youngest or it's not working out well.

[Glitter Brunello Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Glitter Brunello]

I think it depends, not just on the kid, but on the combination of kids. Eldest daughter is responsible and I would have had no problem leaving her in charge for couple of nights by the time she was fifteen or so, with any combination of my kids except eldest son. Eldest son won't listen to his big sister, plus he's impulsive and bossy, so the other kids won't listen to him, meaning I won't leave him in charge, either, even now he's almost eighteen. Second son, by the age of fifteen, I would leave in charge of his younger sisters or of himself and middle daughter - but not in charge when it's just himself and his youngest sister. Middle daughter listens to second son and youngest daughter listens to middle daughter, but youngest daughter regularly flares up when either of the boys tells her to do anything, so there has to be a sister there to keep things on track.

Your son sounds like he'd be fine home by himself within the next year or two. In terms of kid-free vacations, I tend to try really hard to avoid leaving a kid in charge of his or her siblings unless everyone's good with it; I had too many friends in my own youth who had bad relationships with their siblings because one was left in charge who didn't want to be. Too often, the older one ends up feeling that the younger one is a trial, while the younger one resents the older one as being bossy or a bully (although all the cases I know of, the older one was in charge for a long vacation or every day after school or something). Would definitely do a weekend trial before I did that for a vacation any longer than that. If you can leave the older two in charge of themselves and only need to find someone to care for the youngest, you might consider trading time with another parent or something. We have a friends we supply with food and repairs and stuff a lot who'll take one of our kids for a weekend, no problem; we have other friends who take each others kid or kids for much longer periods so each set of parents can have time alone. So those are some other options you might consider if you don't want the older ones in charge of the youngest or it's not working out well.

DS17 just got ready to stay alone this year. I still don't like doing it, but use it as an opportunity to let him demonstrate responsibility. He has to at least take care of the dog, if not himself. DS20 would have liked to live on his own since he was 15, but I'm still not ready to leave my house in his care for more than a few hours....