What is wrong with her?

[(just) Marina (no K) Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close (just) Marina (no K)]

I've disowned the person whom I was told is my sister, so let's call her "the Bitch".

I come from a very dysfunctional & abusive family. My parents were children during WW2. At one point, my father was a POW. They did well after that. He became a cop and ended up being Asst Commissioner of Police. He couldn't be Commissioner because he was not Chinese. To this day, they will not allow Malays to be pilots or hold any high ranks in the Police force, Army, Navy or Air force. She became a teacher.

My oldest sister is 4 years older than me. The Bitch is 18 months older and the brother is 3 years younger. Growing up, the girsls were physically violent to each other ... lots of hair pulling and slapping. I took after my Javanese grandmother and was darker than the others. They used to call me blackie when they wanted to be mean. The parents weren't any better. We had to have A's & B's (80-100)for tests & exams. For every 2 marks below 80, we would get one stroke of the rattan (a thin flexible bamboo cane ). For every 2 marks over 80, we would get $1. This rule did not apply to my brother. He got a tutor. Don't know whether it is the same now, but the parents did not interfere with our schooling. No help with homework. Nothing except sign our report cards every month and report books, twice a year. Not once, did they ever speak to my teachers.

As a family, we never hugged or behaved like we like each other. I was relieved when the parents died when I was 18. I could stop pretending that I liked them and that I wanted to go to University. I was actually spending more time with my best friend and saw what a real family was like.

Fast forward to 1985.

I had been living in Australia for 3 years. I was married and 9 months pregnant with my first child. The Bitch invited herself over. It was a nightmare. As usual, she was judgemental and unpleasant. I can't remember this part, but I believe the husband suggested she leave. I remember her visiting me in hospital. I was in the delivering room. A nurse (dressed in an old time white uniform) was checking me. The Bitch who by now had her medical degree said something like this to the nurse ... "I hope you're going to remove that bunch of keys (that was pinned to the front of her uniform) before you handle the baby." It might have been a fair statement but the way it was said and phrased, I wanted to disappear.

Fast forward to 1987.

The Bitch is now married and living in Paris and 9 months pregnant. She invites me & the kid (18 months) to visit in the middle of winter. Anyone with an 18 month old knows that you still might need a stroller, diapers, sippy cups, etc. Maybe it was miscommunication? I didn't expect to be gallivanting or visiting other countries while she expected me to have an adventure. There was no way I was going to leave my child with a 9 month pregnant woman. It's hard being pregnant plus the baby might come any time. In the end, to please her, I did a 2 day trip to Geneva. Since her mood hadn't improved, I grabbed the kid and hung out at Orly till they gave us a seat home.

Fast forward to 2010

I had a health scare and decided to give up the internet and join the "real world". So I googled my brother. I found his email. Without my permission, he gave my email to the Bitch who was now divorced and back in Singapore. She had also "found" Jesus. In her first email, she said she wanted to "catch up" with me. In later emails, she said that she had no time for "small talk". It was all stupid. She didn't believe that I had never hit my kids, and that they seldom yell at each other and that they've never had a physical fight.

She invited us over to Singapore to stay with her and wanted to arrange a trip to Bali for the siblings, but we couldn't discuss our childhood or any grieviances with each other!!!. Her daughter? The daughter had chosen not to see or talk to her since ~2007.

Fast forward to June 2012

She looks just like mother but much shorter. She cackles when she laughs and it doesn't sound genuine. The trip over took 24 hours and Singapore is exactly 12 hours ahead. Did she allow us to take it easy? No. She dragged me down to the hair salon to dye my hair because she didn't like my salt & pepper hair. I decided to make her "pay" for that by getting my hair straightened as well. While I was having this done, she bought me an outfit ... peasant blouse, shorts and 2 inch flip flops. Ugh! Obviously I didn't dress they way she wants me to. She hung out with us the next 2 days. It was mostly shopping where she would suggest I try certain things. I did try a few things to "make her happy"/"keep the peace". The kids, especially the elder was puzzled as to why I put up with her condescending/abusive behaviour, but he carried on helping her with her computer, Iphone, internet, etc. It was always, "if you wore this, I would be so proud to say that you're my sister". She just didn't get it that I didn't care what she thought or felt. Her opinion of the choices I made didn't matter to me. One day, she took us to the University to find the "Hug me" Coke machine. She was driving slower than the speed limit, as we were looking for a car park and specific building. The van behind her honked and so she drove slower. It honked again and so she stopped, with her hand on the door handle considered getting out and giving the other driver a piece of her mind, but in the end, she stuck out her head and upper body and proceeded to yell at the other driver!!

On the 5th day she said ... "Come Marina, let me empower you. Here are a couple of metro/subway cards and ..." Did she really have to be so condescending? While she & the older son attended a medical lecture, the younger son & I negotiated the subway system without any problems. When we got back, she was surprised that we hadn't needed to call her to pick us up I might have chosen to be a stay at home mum despite my education/degree, but that didn't mean I was stupid.

After that we spent a week in Bali & Nusa. Eldest sister & brother didn't come because "they were afraid of me" according to the Bitch. My oldest son who had been living in Australia joined us. Without asking us, she arranged activities (snorkle, whitewater rafting, elephant ride) for us to do. Of course the kids thought that Aunt Bitch was so much fun unlike their uptight parents. By this time, she was in love with the kids, especially "her teddy bear", the youngest. She managed to say that the kids were my greatest achievement and that they were wonderful. But she also said numerous times, in front of all of us that the youngest was her favourite. What type of person does that?

As usual for her, slowly her mood changed. She works as a locum and was supposed to keep the next couple of weeks free as we were going to Burma and Cambodia. I overheard her talking to herself that she was going to take this and that job which fell during the period that she was supposed to keep free. The next day, she snapped and at dinner, she started digging at me. I had enough, so I thanked her for showing the kids her true colours. She likes to think that as a talented doctor she was helping her fellow man. That she gives back to society. I told her that she was being very well paid to do that. Everywhere she goes, she likes to bargain and then would leave a generous tip. At first I put the bargaining down to the custom, but my elder sister explained it to me differently. By getting the person to accept the low price, she wins and then giving them a good tip, makes her feel that she is very generous. She did this to everybody. We sort of called a truce after the fight. I snorkled a couple of times to make her happy.

After a week on Bali & Nusa, we went back to Singapore. The kids and I went out the next day and didn't get back till after dinner time. Thought that she would appreciate the space and that we were excercising our independance, but I think deep down, she didn't like it. Once again I had to put up with her condescending behaviour ... "Come Marina, let me teach you something." She proceeded to tell me to make sure all dishes were washed & counter wiped down, etc. So, sometimes my kids don't always clean up after themselves. Instead of arguing with her, which is what I think she wanted me to do, I thanked her and reminded her that I had asked about such things when we first arrived.

[(just) Marina (no K) Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close (just) Marina (no K)]

Part 2

Next day was Father's day. We had already planned to go to a matinee. As she was leaving, she told us that she was having dinner with Her friends, implying that we were on our own. Kids and I went sight-seeing and then met them (Bitch, her friend whom I knew back in school, her friend's friend, brother & his girlfriend) at the theatre. After the show ... surprise! surprise! Her friend & her friend's friend had plans of their own and ditched her. Brother offered to take us to the hospital where kid was going to work. She was livid when she saw that she was the only one without some place to go.

After the visit to the hospital, we bought take aways and returned to the apartment. She was not home. Kids Skyped their father. After that kid #2 ate his dinner while kid #3 played. While he was still eating, she came back and asked him to take something from her car. While he was gone, she told me that I was a bad mother and that he was a bad kid for leaving the food out!! Pick on me? Fine! Pick on my kids for no valid reason? I won't stand for that. According to her, I told her she was evil! She told me not to talk to her that way. She went to the bathroom where she found a pair of balled up socks <-- that's the way her maid folds them. Being so enraged, she couldn't see that they were clean and the logical answer was that someone had brought their clothes into the bathroom so that they could dress in "private" after their shower, since there was no privacy anywhere at her place. It was a 2 bedroom ground floor apartment with no curtains. She had broken down the walls of one of the bedrooms to enlarge the living area. The bathroom had been enlarged and since it was an interior room, she puts lots of "privacy" glass instead of walls so that it will get natural light. You can sit in the bedroom or living room and see that there's someone in the bathroom. Her home was just not equipped to handle 3 extra people. After accusing the kid of being a pig, I told her that that was enough and we would be leaving as soon as we were packed. Elder son and I had already gathered all our clothes and packed them into space bags, earlier that day, so it was just a matter of stuffing all our suit cases. While doing this, she continued fighting with me and so I said everything the parents should have when she was little. She threatened to call her rent-a-cops (apartment security) to throw us out. I told her to go ahead as then I would have help carrying the luggage and getting a taxi. Kid called his dad to book us a room at the Holiday Inn. To all the hotel snobs, I've always found that I had to jump through too many hoops when trying to get rooms using points at the Marriott & Hilton. Holiday Inn has always been easy to work with.

And so we left and never saw her again. When my eldest sister was told that we were at the Holiday Inn, she hung out with us everyday. It gave her the opportunity to have someone to talk to about her rotten childhood. She confided that she hated the father. She also apologized for not protecting me from the parents and being there after they died. Maybe I shouldn't have but I told her when she asked that she was cruel/abusive to me. She cried and begged for forgiveness. Because of the Bitch's relationship with her, she has been anorexic/bullimic for the past 20+ years. She's like a walking skeleton. She asked me whether the Bitch was on drugs, as an explanation for her manic behaviour. Although she keeps morphine and other drugs in her kitchen drawer, I told her that I didn't think so. What kind of person thinks it is OK to tell/show a 14 and 16 year old that you have boxes of narcotics at home?

The Bitch told the brother that I had left. Left her place? Left Singapore? The kid wasn't going to fulfill his "work experience" at the hospital? Who knows what she meant. The next two weeks, kid #2 worked at the hospital. Brother not once, asked how he/we were getting along. Although I didn't really want to, we had dinner with him. Didn't tell him where we were staying but mentioned that I had been talking/asking (extended family I would not have seen if I hadn't gotten out ) about him and the Bitch.

Brother made up excuses to see us a couple more times the last week we were there. I didn't bite but allowed the kids to do what they wanted. They visited with him.

In hind-sight, everybody (sister & extended family) feels that :

- she subjected her daughter to years of emotional & psychological abuse and when daughter didn't need her financial support any more, she stopped all communication with her.
- I had outlasted my usefulness when I told her that her daughter would not respond to my Facebook communications. She doesn't even know her daughter's email, snail mail or phone.
- She was nice to my cousine when she need a co-signer for a loan but after that she ignored my cousin and wouldn't let her daughter visit them.
- She snatched her kid and returned to Singapore, where she then filed for divorce, because she felt that the Singapore authorities would be more sympathetic to her. Just to make sure they were, she accused her ex-husband of touching the kid.
- she and brother know or did something together or she has something on him and so to keep her quiet, he behaves as she wants him to.
- at one point they both needed lots of money, she to get out of her contract with the Singapore government, he to get an education. They handled the sale of the family house. Everybody thinks that there's something fishy about it and that I didn't receive my full share.
- neither would admit to handling the sale and the disposal of all the "stuff". I'm glad I grabbed a few things when I moved to Australia
- looking at all ( a dozen or so) the cards & letters she sent me over the years, she has never addressed me by my married name.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. Aren't you glad your family is not as terrible as mine.

[bjones9942 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close bjones9942]

You gotta love dysfunctional families! I'm thankful to mine, as now I have decent excuses for occasional bizarre behavior

[susieq Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close susieq]

After reading all of this, I'll never complain about my family again!! Sounds like a bad soap opera!! My Congrats for getting out alive!!






BTW: Kudos to you for choosing to stay home with your kids!!