Saying goodbye to a parent

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

In vintner's thread re Steffi, CarolF posted the following poem that got me reflecting ....

So sorry. A friend sent me this poem and it helped me. I hope it helps you.

THE LAST BATTLE

If it should be that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this last battle can’t be won.

You will be sad I understand,
But don’t let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn’t want me to suffer so.
When the time comes,
Please, let me go.

Take me to where my needs they’ll tend,
Only, stay with me until the end.
And hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree,
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don’t grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do
We’ve been so close – we two – these years,
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

... and what I was thinking of was the death of my mother.

Although in no way was the goodbye unemotional, yet moving through her death was one of the easiest transitions I have passed through in my life. I'm not sure I can convey things accurately.

Though CHF had drained her body, when she arrived in hospice she was in peace. In life she was steadfast; she knew that her time on this earth was finite and that her highest calling was to rear children who would carry on after she was gone. She had done so to the best of her abilities, so she now approached her death with complete and total peace - even with expectancy because she was ready to be rid of her body which was now a confinement rather than an implement.

I let her go. Easily and gladly. In the last year of her life I realized that where she and I found ourselves then was exactly what she had envisioned 60 years ago. I knew it was time for her to go, and I could accept that with my whole heart and soul. And I thought to myself that when my family arrives at that juncture, I hope that my children and I will be of the same accord.

As I left hospice the last time, two weeks before she died, I recalled Dylan Thomas exhorting "Do Not Gentle into That Good Night". And I thought to myself that that is the plea for the person with work unfinished. My mother did not go gentle into that Good Night. She went into that Good Night joyously, anxiously, expectantly, excitedly. But that was because when she was alive she did not go gentle into the precious day, and having railed the day she could revel in the night.

I owe her so much.

[JLB Please excuse me, I'm a Dick. Not a moron just a Dick Find all posts View Profile Close JLB]

That certainly makes many of us reflect back.

Although I would have preferred to have spent more time with both my parents over the years, and that their relationship with each other and with me, would have been more storybook, I don't believe I could ever forgive myself if I had not come to them at the end, and after. I still have a feeling of being insufficient in that regard, and that will likely never go away.

It's been 12 years for my Dad, and I am still dealing with stuff.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

When someone is suffering the best thing is to let go. I lost both my parents at a very young age. They both died from heart attacks. Just like that it was over. Both were unexpected and a shock, Dad was 52 and mom 53. I am 53 now and had always felt that 54 was my age to go.

[wackymother Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close wackymother]

That is a beautiful tribute, Steve.

We just lost my mother-in-law, who passed away five days before her ninety-first birthday. I have been thinking about this touching line from Stephen Colbert's eulogy for his own mother: "It may sound greedy to want more days with a person who lived so long, but the fact that my mother was 92 does not diminish, it only magnifies, the enormity of the room whose door has now quietly shut."

[vintner Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close vintner]

My dad died at 49, 5 years after having multiple major heart attacks. I was 13. I miss dad, I think I grew up to be him in many ways.
My mother died a couple years ago at 84. By that time, she couldn't move well, didn't remember people well, etc.
My youngest brother had a heart attack and quad bypass at 48.
Now, getting close to 59, I certainly watch how I eat (most of the time) but don't exorcise. I move around and do things but don't go to the gym.
I think that sometime when I am out at 5:30AM in the winter doing the snow blowing from the driveway, is when I will possibly have an issue.
Until then, I have fun.

[JWC Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close JWC]

I am 53 now and had always felt that 54 was my age to go.

Frank, take good care of yourself so we can enjoy you for many years to come.

[JWC Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close JWC]

My parents have both passed away. I was very close to them. My father died at 77. He was in excellent health and just completed his daily 5 mile walk. When he got back home, he bent over to tie his shoe and fell over dead. He died of an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I was mad at him because this is preventable but he would never go to see a doctor. He had complained about pain in his abdominal area for some time but just ignored it. He probably would have lived at least until 90 because he wes in excellent heath both physically and mentally and all of his family had a history of long life.

I get checked for it every couple years. The doctor said you will typically have about a 3 month warning where you will have pains. Please folks, if you have any pain get it checked out thoroughly.

My mother died in hospice at the age of 90. She was very mentally alert until the last 6 months. She had very severe arthritis and literally died from the pain. My wife and I took care of her after dad died. It was actually quite easy to say goodbye and let her go because she was suffering so much.

There are times that I find myself talking to my dad.

[easyrider Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close easyrider]

Steve , that was quite a post and made me remember some of my people.

My brother battled sarcoma for about 14 years. After numerous surgeries he was losing the battle and was in so much pain. One Friday he ended up going to the ER for pain and was admitted to the hospital. They couldn't manage his pain at the hospital like how pain would be managed in hospice. Eventually, he was at first asking me and my other brother to help him die and by the next day he was screaming in pain when ever conscious and was begging us to help him die. Because it was the weekend we couldn't find the hospice doctor to order a dose. I finally asked to be left alone with him but everyone could read my thoughts I guess, so I left. At 46, he died on Sunday morning at 2 am and it was horrible to watch him go out the way he did.

My nephew was sick and when nothing was found on tests for his pain was released. After all kinds of tests in the upcoming months and not finding a cause the doctors finally sent him to a psychologist. When he started to have a hard time breathing at school my brother in law mentioned that this kid needed care. He was taken to children's hospital and diagnosed with a fast moving cancer that had spread to his bones. He lasted about a month and was begging for life. About 2 days before he passed he was at peace and no longer afraid of dying. I often wondered if it was the narcotics. He was 12.

There was a time when I knew for a fact that euthanasia was morally wrong. The older I get and the more death I witness makes me question that fact to the point that I'm certain in some cases it is morally right.

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

Steve , that was quite a post and made me remember some of my people.

My contrasting experiences in the deaths of my father and my mother have been very instructive for me. My father and I had unresolved issues that were never resolved. I tried to address them several times, but with the help of DW I realized that in trying to change our relationship, I was also asking him to drop the coping mechanisms he had built. And that was too scary for him to do. With time I realized that was his problem, not mine. But those issues did not go into the ground with him.

In reflecting on those differences, I realized that the best way to truly bury them was to make sure that I did not pass them through to my kids. So when I have seen myself defaulting into some of the destructive patterns I learned from him, I have tried to come up with ways to stop it.

But I think I need to be clear about one thing. My parents gave me the greatest gift they could have possibly given me. Never, for even a single moment, did I ever have the slightest doubt that they loved each of us deeply and that there was nothing in this world or any other world that could threaten that. Certainly there were times that I was angry and upset with them and their rules. There were many times that I thought that they were being unreasonable and irrational. But even though I might have disagreed, I always knew that what they were doing what they did because they loved us, not because they wanted to be punitive.

[bezerk Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close bezerk]

A high impact poem. I so agree in letting folks die with dignity and as little to no pain as possible. Personally I find it selfish to wish someone who is suffering to stay around longer so do not feel pain, grief or guilt. JMHO!