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Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.
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