Question for parents of teens

[3kids4me Super Moderator and Super Mom Find all posts View Profile Close 3kids4me]

Now that my son is in high school, the party situation comes up all the time. I know that sometimes (okay, many times) there are no parents home during these parties. My son tells me that there is always beer and sometimes pot at these parties.

My question is: What were/are your policies about your kids and parties? Did/do you never let your kids go to a party when a parent is not home, or do you let them go with specific guidelines? If a parent will be home, do you ever call the parent in advance about the party?

I know that, by the time they get to college, they will obviously be totally unsupervised and need to learn how to be responsible at some point. I'm just wondering how other parents out there handle these things.

Thanks for the input.

Sharon

[mshatty Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close mshatty]

Now that my son is in high school, the party situation comes up all the time. I know that sometimes (okay, many times) there are no parents home during these parties. My son tells me that there is always beer and sometimes pot at these parties.

My question is: What were/are your policies about your kids and parties? Did/do you never let your kids go to a party when a parent is not home, or do you let them go with specific guidelines? If a parent will be home, do you ever call the parent in advance about the party?

I know that, by the time they get to college, they will obviously be totally unsupervised and need to learn how to be responsible at some point. I'm just wondering how other parents out there handle these things.

Thanks for the input.

Sharon

Are you kidding? The answer is never let your children go to an unsupervised party unless you want something bad to happen to them. You may get a call from the police to come pick up your child or to view them at the morgue. I know that's harsh but you should not leave any doubt with your son about where you stand on this issue.

In this case, you should trust your son but verify with the parents who are hosting the party they will be there.

[Luanne Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Luanne]

Oh my gosh! Maybe I was lucky, or naive, but my older dd never went to a party where there was not a parent present or where alcohol and drugs were available. Maybe because she was a "band nerd" and those were the parties she went to. I'm sure that there are parties such as you described, but my kid would never be allowed to go to one.

[3kids4me Super Moderator and Super Mom Find all posts View Profile Close 3kids4me]

Just to clarify, I asked my son about the kids that are going...if their parents know these parties are unsupervised. He said that most of the kids lie to their parents and tell them they are sleeping at a friends, but there was a party recently where about 75 kids attended from a 200 kid grade...could all the kids be lying to their parents and the parents believing them? Some of them must know and have decided that it's okay...which is why I'm asking the question....

Another thing about this recent party...I was given the "heads up" by another parent that when her son was invited, she called the parents to ask if she could help with transportation. According to her, the parents, who were going out of town, had no idea there was to be a party at their house. This other parent said to me "Well I don't think there will be a party now" but there still was. So...those parents of the kid giving the party must have known at this point and just let their son have it anyway, right?

I'm just having trouble getting it...so I'm thinking there must be a lot of permissive parents out there?

[3kids4me Super Moderator and Super Mom Find all posts View Profile Close 3kids4me]

I just found this while googling "unsupervised teen parties". It's from a therapist in Berkeley...what do you think?

Options for Dealing with Parties/Drugs and Their Likely or Hoped-For Consequences

Strategy 1: Doing Nothing or “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Parents decide that there is nothing they can do and they can’t control their child, who is on the way to adulthood. The likely consequence though is that your child will feel ignored and abandoned in someway and will feel that the unspoken bond of trust has been betrayed, since children usually expect their parents to watch out for them and their safety, even if they rail against it.

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. When you have to confront someone you care about, the best strategy is to just ignore things and hope for the best. They probably can’t do the right thing, even if they know what it is.
2. It’s pointless trusting or consulting my parents because they won’t get involved or will feel burdened anyway.

Strategy 2: Doing Everything or “No @#$@ Way”

Parents decide that there is no way that they can trust their child to do the right thing. They forbid party- going and constantly check their child for drug and alcohol use. The child must answer to every inquiry and the parents verify every answer.

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. I can’t be trusted to do anything on my own; I’m untrustworthy and can’t mess up in order to learn.
2. I am not capable of taking responsibility in a difficult situation. People think I shouldn’t have choices, just limitations.
3. I’m still a child and need to be micro-managed or I’ll be out of control.
4. I need to act like a kid, to prove my parents right OR I need to be “hyper-adult” to prove I’m not a child (and thus, may in fact get in over my head as I attempt to take on too much adult responsibility).

Strategy 3: “Its All In Good Fun” or “I’m my teen’s best friend!” strategy

Parents might smoke or drink or use drugs in the house or might bond with their child by telling them about their “good old days” in the 60s and 70s when they too got busted by the cops or pulled over for drunk driving or snuck out of the house and fooled their parents or had a party when grandma and grandpa went away. The idea is that this bonding will encourage the child to share information about sex, drug use and parties and will keep it all from becoming a big deal. Plus, if it goes on in the house, they can keep an eye on it all, right?

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. My parents may be more concerned with what I want than what I need.
2. I can be trusted no matter what I do and my parents are really my friends, so if I mess up, its not such a big deal (and, consequently, I can’t really go to them).
3. Something is wrong if someone close to me has more power than I do.
4. The line between freedom and responsibility is blurry and difficult to figure out, because there are never really clear limits or boundaries around potentially dangerous activities.

Strategy 4: The Subtle Intervention: “No Big Talks”

Parents decide that they will not do one “big” intervention, but will try many, ongoing, “little” interventions, and include a number of strategies like: asking what the child thinks about the party/certain aspects of drug use; catching their child being “responsible” and subtly pointing it out or expressing their appreciation for a hard decision, well made; offer advice when it’s asked for but provide conditional offers of help from time to time, or providing “cover stories” to save face e.g., saying, “well, I’m still not totally okay about this party thing, but if you find that things are getting out of control tomorrow, let’s arrange a phone signal and I’ll come pick you up someplace where no one can see me getting you.”

What Longterm Lessons are Being Taught?
1. My parents still care and are available in a pinch but they have some faith in me.
2. I’m trusted to come up with solutions on my own, because they often ask me what I think, rather than tell me what to do.
3. My intuition and “inner voice” is valued and valuable as a source of decision-making.
4. Things are not out of my control—I have choices and can get over the fear I have that I won’t be able to do the right thing (apropos of the essay you heard earlier).

Michael Y. Simon, MFT
Director of Counseling, Bentley Upper School

[janapur Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close janapur]

My husband and I were the kids that attended the parties you describe, in fact we hosted a few while my parents were off timesharing!
Therefore, we have a strict zero tolerance for our kids. I will say that my kids are also "band nerds". Did you ever think you'd be relieved to learn that your kid is a nerd? Times have changed and my son's friends are much more conservative than we were. Druggies are considered losers.

Furthermore, I think athletics have become more strict with enforcement of rules and curfews. My son is the track and field captain and learned from last year's captain who lost his title and was suspended 2 weeks for getting caught smoking a cigar off campus during spring break. Pretty harsh IMO, but it makes my job much easier.

[Glitter Brunello Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Glitter Brunello]

Yes, there are a lot of permissive parents out there. Or really naive parents. My DS knows if he is going somewhere, I need a phone number and I am going to call the parents. He fights me often on this.

Last night he called to say that he was at so-and-so's house, and it was just three boys there, and that his parents would be home in an hour. Ok. I called 2 hours later, and it was up to five kids, the parents still weren't home, and he wanted to spend the night there. I went and picked him up, and he was most upset.

When the weather gets warmer it is much worse, because then they start at someone's house, but end up on the streets in packs....

[Luanne Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Luanne]

I will say that my kids are also "band nerds". Did you ever think you'd be relieved to learn that your kid is a nerd?

Actually, I was quite happy to know my dd was a "band nerd" her first year of high school at the first football game we went to. As I watched other freshman girls hanging all over the "boyfriends" in their hip hugging jean and crop tops, I was sooooo happy my kid was in her band uniform with the rest of the nerds.

I have heard some horror stories about some of these unsupervised parties. Like the one our neighbor kid had while his parents were out of town. They were serving beer to minors, the police were called, and let's just say the parents weren't thrilled. Another story I heard was about a girl whose parents were gone. Kids came to her door and wanted to have a party there. She said "no" and shut the door. The kids ended up breaking a window with a brick so they could enter. Oh yeah, the girl whose house was broken into? Her dad is a cop and his police car was sitting out front. Stupid, stupid kids.

[wackymother Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close wackymother]

Our oldest is a computer nerd, so we have no worries here about socializing. Of course I have a story though, I always have a story, this time I have two stories.

1. My friend's DD graduated from HS two years ago, from a very well-respected Catholic girls' HS. On prom night, all of the other senior girls were planning on going, with their dates, to party at houses at the Jersey Shore--rental houses that their PARENTS had rented for them! My friend and her friend, the mother of the DD's best friend, were the only two parents who had the nerve to tell their DDs that there was no way in HELL that they were driving to the shore, with their dates, two hours away, on prom night, to party at houses where there were no adults at all present.

2. A woman I know from work moved to a new home. Her teenage kids had all kinds of problems in her old home. Someone suggested to her that she might throw a party for the kids in the new school. So she did. Now here we have a situation where a parent WAS present! Of course more and more kids got "invited." The night of the party, dozens of kids start showing up and she just lets them in. Then the football team shows up...with a KEG! Okay, now you're a parent, the HS football team has just showed up at your door with a keg. What do you say? "No, boys, I'm sorry, you'll have to leave and take your keg with you." What did she say, "Oh...all right. Come on in, boys!"

Of course all the underage kids got STINKING drunk and were throwing up in the neighbors' bushes. At three a.m. the police showed up and threatened to arrest her, which they should have done, and she's lucky the kids didn't get into accidents and kill themselves and other people. But when she told the story at work, she was all, "Can you believe the neighbors called the police?" Um, yes, I can, because I would have called them, too, honey!

Anyway. There are situations and situations. I think you have to do your best to make sure your DS knows what to do in different situations, that he knows that you will ALWAYS come and pick him up in an emergency and you would rather come and get him and find out he's drunk but he called instead of having him drive or drive with a friend. I think good kids will do the right thing if they're guided. Maybe I'm optimistic!

[CarolF Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close CarolF]

We have a standard routine when it comes to party invitations for my son (who is also in high school).

We phone the parents and ask -

Will they themselves be home during the party?
How many adults will be supervising the party?
How many children are you expecting? Is it an invitation only party?
Will alcohol be served?
What is the starting and finishing time of the party?

If they themselves are not going to be home, I ask for the names and phone number of the adults who will be in charge. Then I phone them and ask them the same questions above.

If there are not enough adults supervising the number of children we offer our services to assist. If it is a large party we ask what procedures have been put in place to deal with gate-crashers (this is an important one as evidenced by the "football team" incident outlined earlier). We arrange for our son to be delivered and collected on time (or at a pre-arranged time). If we know the parents of any of the other guests we phone them too, just to chat about it all.

My son is embarrassed by all of this but I secretly think he feels safer in the knowledge that strategies are in place to protect and support him.

[Kay H Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kay H]

I worked in an 11th and12th grade HS for 30 yrs. Now at this age many of them drive where 9th and 10 graders don't.

During the week students would find out from friends whose parents were not going to be home the following weekend and plan their parties accordingly. They used to charge per head to cover the cost of the keg. One student ( bright huh?) had the party goers sign a book on arrival and told them that exempted him from all responsibliity from under age drinking. Needless to say when the cops showed up, they had a list of kids who attended even if they scattered when cops arrived.

Prom night was another disaster. We lived 1 hr or less from the Jersey shore. Many parents own summer shore homes. The promgoers packed into those homes in droves after the prom and were not shy at showing their guidance counsellors the pictures taken of 2 (or more) couples in a bed at the same time, students in various stages of undress, some knowing the pictures were being taken and some oblivious. Pictures of drunken kids smooching and fondling each other. These pictures could have been used as evidence if any had been arrested but I'm not aware of any guidance counsellor who reported it to police.

Some parents serve drinks to the kids before the prom when they go to their home for pictures. Parents feel that as long as their children aren't driving, the drunkeness and sex are ok. Sure glad my kids are grown. It wasn't that bad when they were in high school.

End of year travel vacation for graduating seniors. The students plan the trip, they tell their parents the school is having the trip and parents never call the schlool to check it out. Many graduates are not 18 and these are unshaporoned trips. Luckily nothing like the Natalie Hollaway case happened. Even tho that wasn't a school sponsored trip, there were parent chaperones there. A lot of good that did.

Sorry to be so preachy but I saw and heard it all. No way would I let my teen go to an unchaperoned party. A call to the parent can verify if they are going to be home, but you can't always trust that those parents are watchful.

[Sydney Contributor - Bronze Find all posts View Profile Close Sydney]

My son is turning 13 this year and just started highscool in January.

We do not let him go to parties where there is no adult supervision under any circumstances. We would never let him go if there were alcohol or drugs. He wouldn't want to anyway, but even if he did...! We would discourage him from having a friendship with anyone who hosted such parties. In fact, we don't even let him go to his friend's house unless we have met and feel comfortable with the parents. However, he is welcome to invite friends over, while we are home. This is for his own safety and wellbeing, not because we are strict or control freaks.

[IreneLF Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close IreneLF]

No adults? No way. I'll call to check with the parents and I don't care who it embarrasses. Mine are 14 and 16, they need adult supervision.

[Glitter Brunello Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Glitter Brunello]

One of DS' arguments is that it doesn't matter if the parents are home, the kids will drink anyway if they want to. I know that's true, my friend was cleaning up vomit for hours one night when her son's friends had too much of the "Poland Spring" they brought over...

But I told him that at least if the parents are home, it is less likely to get really out of hand, and if there is a problem an adult will be there to take care of it...

I think I am ready to live in a cabin in the woods.

[IreneLF Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close IreneLF]

You have to be HOME --- AND WATCHING. There has to be a meeting of the minds with the parents.
It does get scary and there is no place to move.