Airline Jokes

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."



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Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You For Flying Lufthansa."

BTW I stole these 2 jokes from Paul over from Timesharetalk UK.

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

Tell you what Frank. From my experience flying for the last thirty years or so. Most of the agents and flight attendants are saints. The shit they go thru is unreal. I've nearly always been treated like I was the only pax on the plane.

[Oracle Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Oracle]

If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

This was written by Alan H. Hess, 1998

[bevvy5 Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close bevvy5]

I NEVER post jokes but here goes:

When the female captain came on to make the normal flight announcements, one passenger hit his call bell. The female flight attendant went to his seat to be greeted with: "Do I understand correctly that the captain is female?" "Yes, sir," said the flight attendant. "How about the co-pilot?" "Also female," said the flight attendant, "And all female flight attendants as well," she replied sweetly.

"So you're telling me that all the crew on this flight are women?" "Yes, that's right, sir," said the very patient flight attendant. "No men at all in the cockpit?" said the rather irate passenger." "Well, no, sir, but we don't call it a cockpit - we call it the box office!!"

Sorry, but I heard this one last week and couldn't resist when I saw the title to this thread.

Hope all are having a pleasant long weekend - our holiday here in Canada was officially Saturday, we had today off and are back to work tomorrow.

Bev

[mshatty Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close mshatty]

Makes me want to fly United.

[mshatty Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close mshatty]

JC Penny

Speaking of Bill Clinton,

Did you hear that JC Penny is having a giant sale?

Yep, all of the men's pants are half off!

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

Luv that one,
forwarding to all my GOP friends.

[opkansas Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close opkansas]

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat.

Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "that could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first: -- Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?"

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

Makes me want to fly United.

Knowing you, Mike, I think you would probably also want to fly Untied.

[taffy19 Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close taffy19]

Avery

Another Freudian slip. You know what I mean, Avery.