Chucky said .........

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Seems there was this guy stranded all alone on a desert island for 10 years. One day, he's sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the water.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh, that's good!"

Then the woman asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"

Trembling, the man says, "Ten long years!"

The woman unzips her water proof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. The man takes a long swig and says, "Man, that's sweet!"

The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

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For some reason this one cracked me up.


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up.

After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says.

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

"I quit," he says.

"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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I may have tried this, lol.


The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, I promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her midnight. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ' oh crap', cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."