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David Letterman: "Top Signs Your Family Is Nuts Presented By Dr. Phil"
· You're 42, but your dad still makes you watch the parade on his shoulders
· All of mom's recipes involve 1 part gin and 3 parts tonic
· Breaking the wishbone usually involves a trip to the hospital
· The Shi'ites next door ask you to keep the fighting down
· Have to eat your dinner without utensils because everyone's on suicide watch
· So-called turkey is wearing a dog collar
· Instead of spouses, each member brings an attorney.
Jay Leno:
· Are you like me and you really didn't give thanks until the relatives went home?
· President Bush spent Thanksgiving weekend at Camp David with a small group of friends and family. He would have spent it with a large group but there are no Republicans left in Washington.
· Have you heard about the tur-duck-en? Very popular. A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. They now have Tum-alka-pepto after you eat a tur-duc-ken. It's a Tums stuck to an Alka-Seltzer covered in Pepto Bismal.
· A popular item this year is gift cards. There's nothing like saying, "I don't care, I don't know what you want, but take this and you'll find something you like at this store."
· In an interview with FOX News Sunday, John Kerry said his botched joke about Iraq will not hurt his chances for a presidential run in '08. Now see that was funny! That was a good joke.
· According to a new study by National Geographic, 11 percent of Americans between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four could not find the United States on a map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map? Mexico.
· Texas A&M University is doing research on making cotton edible. Making food from cotton. If it goes over well they should put it on a stick and start selling it at county fairs across the country.
· You're 42, but your dad still makes you watch the parade on his shoulders
· All of mom's recipes involve 1 part gin and 3 parts tonic
· Breaking the wishbone usually involves a trip to the hospital
· The Shi'ites next door ask you to keep the fighting down
· Have to eat your dinner without utensils because everyone's on suicide watch
· So-called turkey is wearing a dog collar
· Instead of spouses, each member brings an attorney.
Jay Leno:
· Are you like me and you really didn't give thanks until the relatives went home?
· President Bush spent Thanksgiving weekend at Camp David with a small group of friends and family. He would have spent it with a large group but there are no Republicans left in Washington.
· Have you heard about the tur-duck-en? Very popular. A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. They now have Tum-alka-pepto after you eat a tur-duc-ken. It's a Tums stuck to an Alka-Seltzer covered in Pepto Bismal.
· A popular item this year is gift cards. There's nothing like saying, "I don't care, I don't know what you want, but take this and you'll find something you like at this store."
· In an interview with FOX News Sunday, John Kerry said his botched joke about Iraq will not hurt his chances for a presidential run in '08. Now see that was funny! That was a good joke.
· According to a new study by National Geographic, 11 percent of Americans between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four could not find the United States on a map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map? Mexico.
· Texas A&M University is doing research on making cotton edible. Making food from cotton. If it goes over well they should put it on a stick and start selling it at county fairs across the country.