Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Hunting,,,,,,

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said,

"If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Will Rogers Logic

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at your troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Prostitute's Tax Return


A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells himthat she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: " Before we begin I'll need to ask you a few questions." he gets her name social security number, etc, and then asks, "What's is your occupation."

"I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, " No, No, that won't work; to gross. Lets try to rephrase that."

"OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."

Then the woman says, " How about elite chicken farmer?"

Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?"

"Well, I RAISED over a thousand little PECKERS last year."

"Good enough"

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The Lexus




A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted
the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escaped her.


Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and
hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back,
there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted
her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had
happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to
say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you
hear the price."

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A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:



"Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"



The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him:


"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."



The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says:


??After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!??


During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:



"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"



A minute later the boy is still praying:



"Thank you Lord for your kindness..."



Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear:



"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"



The boy replies:



"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Who knows?







At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that
after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,
Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done , Morris kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and
is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride
says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your
age you can perform so well and so often. I have been
with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I've been here already?"

ALZHEIMERS--IT HAS ITS ADVANTAGES!!

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

> A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.
> >
> > Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday
> > dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had
> > varied excuses.
> >
> > "Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry, I'm
> > running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present."
> >
> > "No worry," said Dad. "The important thing is that we're all together."
> >
> > Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't
> > have time to get you anything... I'm sorry."
> >
> > "It's nothing," said the father, "just glad you could be here today."
> >
> > The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out
> > of town and didn't bring a present."
> >
> > Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are
> > together today."
> >
> > Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said,
> > "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell
> > you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we
> > were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around
> > to getting married."
> >
> > The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"
> >
> > "Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones, too!"

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

> >BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today
> >that President Bush has successfully sold the state of
> >Louisiana back to the French at more than double its
> >original selling price of $11,250,000.
> >
> >"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush.
> >"And America will be stronger and better as a result.
> >I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister
> >Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of
> >Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."
> >
> >The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost
> >hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.
> >
> >"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer
> >upper,'"
>said Bush. "He and the French people are
> >quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make
> >Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've
> >got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if
> >it's not right, they're going to fix it."
> >
> >The move has been met with incredulity from the
> >beleaguered residents of Louisiana.
> >
> >"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis
> >Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"
> >
> >However, President Bush's decision has been widely
> >lauded by Republicans.
> >
> >"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the
> >President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.
> >"Instead of spending billions and billions, and
> >billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana,
> >we've just made 25 million dollars in pure
>profit."
> >
> >"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News
> >analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the
> >flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the
> >deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing
> >it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."
> >

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife
> turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since
> her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have
> for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again", she replied,
> still looking in the mirror.
> > On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a
> nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags
> theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park;
> the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
> Coaster, everything there was. Five hour later they staggered
> out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach
> felt upside down.
> > He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a
> Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was
> off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
> M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
> her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over
> his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, dear,what
> was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her
> expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
> > The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is
> gonna get it wrong.

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
>home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
>if there was anything wrong.
>"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I
>am very sad."
>Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
>replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
>The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private
>part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
> "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
>like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
> "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
>that my private part died."
>"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
>pajamas?"asked Nurse Tracy.
> "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
>home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
>if there was anything wrong.
>"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I
>am very sad."
>Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
>replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
>The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private
>part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
> "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
>like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
> "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
>that my private part died."
>"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
>pajamas?"asked Nurse Tracy.
> "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A night on the town


Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the heck would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and Igave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my Bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back Straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've pooped in the bed"

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Victoria's Secret
>
>
> A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase
> some sheer lingerie for his wife. Valentine's Day is a very
> special time. He is shown several possibilities that
> range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer,
> the higher the price.
>
> He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and
> takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife
> and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it
> for him.
>
>
> Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
> that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the
> modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500
> refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony
> and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500,
> they'd at least iron it!"
>
> He never heard the shot.
>
>
> Funeral on Thursday.

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Who Says Men aren't Sensitive?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes .... After an intense night of pass! ion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"....................

The guy replies.......

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."