Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

This is adult in nature but an oldie and is funny. You were warned

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off
His Clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the
Man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to

Him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
Get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
Eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as
He sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
Steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies
That you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a
Bench and Has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
Smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can
Keep the $250 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had
The chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a
Month. I fart at least 25 times a day."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have
any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5" (you'll love this......) At which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand......

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and DC, and some parts of Georgia.

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

Ole's two black eyes

It was Saturday and Ole and Lena had just come to Minnesota from "the old country" They were busy unpacking and exhausted from their big move.

Sunday morning Ole wakes up and decides he wants to go to church. He asks Lena to go too but she was just too tired from the move. "No, Ole, you yust go by yerself dis time".

So Ole goes to the Norwegian Grove Lutheran church and comes home about an hour and a half later with TWO BLACK EYES!

"Yeepers Ole, how in da verld did you get two black eyes going to church?" Lena demanded.

"Vell", Ole says. "I vas sitting behind dis big fat voman and da preacher he kept making us stand up and sit down. Stand up and sit down. Vell, I noticed dat every time dat fat voman stood up, her dress stuck in da crack of her ass. Finally, I couldn't stand it no more so I reached over and pulled it out for her".

"My gawd Ole, no vunder you got a black eye but how did you get da second von?"

"Vell", Ole says. "The preacher made us stand up vun more time and dis time her dress didn't stick in her crack. Vell, I thought dats vere she wanted it so I tucked it back in for her".


Sandcrab

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Peanuts:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Rearranged:

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in
awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

It was Saturday and Ole and Lena had just come to Minnesota from "the old country" They were busy unpacking and exhausted from their big move....

I'm offended at humor bsed on racial and ethnic stereotypes and slurs. Every culture has its strenghths and foibles, and it's offensive to make those things the object of humor.

Take the Norwegians, for example. After all, they were the people who invented the toilet seat. Think of what civilization would be like without the toilet seat!

Of course, it was the Swedes who knew it would work better if they put a hole in it.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

I'm offended at humor bsed on racial and ethnic stereotypes and slurs. Every culture has its strenghths and foibles, and it's offensive to make those things the object of humor.

Take the Norwegians, for example. After all, they were the people who invented the toilet seat. Think of what civilization would be like without the toilet seat!

Of course, it was the Swedes who knew it would work better if they put a hole in it.

YEAH, our Norwegian outhouse was quite a messy place till some friendly Swedes moved in next door.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

farwood hiding

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes
in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff &
his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.
Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Hospital Story

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help. What's the name and room
number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room
302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check.

Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your
daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me
anything..

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

YEAH, our Norwegian outhouse was quite a messy place till some friendly Swedes moved in next door.

Actually it was a two-story outhouse. The Norwegians lived upstairs and rented out the first level to the Swedes. Two bad for the Swedes, they were doing fine until they put the hole in the toilet seat.

Sandcrabson

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done,
when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a Beautiful
rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't
know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose In a hanging
basket!"

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done,
when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a Beautiful
rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't
know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose In a hanging
basket!"

She needs Turlingtons Tattoo Remover.

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

Anyone in the mood for some late-night snark? Okay then...

"Everybody excited about March Madness...the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating."
---David Letterman:

-

"The Sopranos are a lot like the Bush administration. There are wiretaps, people going to jail, and the second-in-command accidentally shoots his best friend."
---Jay Leno

-

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. military have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy."
---Tina Fey

-

"More people, particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. Apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency thing than just not getting blown."
---Bill Maher

-

"The other day new-age musician Yanni was arrested for fighting with his girlfriend. Not to be outdone, John Tesh and Kenny G have gone on a killing spree."
---Conan O'Brien

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

The Gala

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."