Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

She was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this VERY moment!!"

He - thinking it's his lucky day - stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex...

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken"...

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Breakfast at the White House
>
> Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
> The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
> "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
> And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
> George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,
> "How about a quickie this morning?"
>
> "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims.
> "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton,
> and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
>
> As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "
> It's pronounced 'quiche'."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE
PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" ... So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it.........this is the good old days
when humor didn't h ave to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Potentially & Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask
your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come
back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God!! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother
and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on
Three Million Dollars..............
but Realistically,......... we're living with two sluts and a queer.

[Joe L Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Joe L]

Flat Tire

A newlywed couple are driving through a snow storm and get a flat tire. The husband goes out to change the tire and his fingers begin to freeze. The wife sees this and tells him to come back into the car and put his hands between her legs to warm them.

He does, then goes back to continue removing the tire. He removes the second lug nut, but his hands begin to freeze again. He goes back into the car to warm his hands. Once again he braves the cold then leaves the car to remove the third lug nut.

Freezing, he comes back into the car and warms his hands. He exits and removes the fourth lug nut. Back into to car he goes and the bride whispers “Sweetie, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

Jay Leno Jokes

"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are now demanding that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaged in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating oil companies. That's like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea about how expensive gas is, this morning I carpooled in with Letterman." --Jay Leno

"I had an interesting morning today. I went to Taco Bell and ordered a couple breakfast burritos. I wasn't really hungry. I just wanted to go to the last place in L.A. where you could get gas for under 3 bucks." --Jay Leno

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."


The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro blurts, "Dick Cheney 2006!"

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE
PERFECT MARRIAGE

I believe ths one is from Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I. We eat at different times. We sleep in separate rooms. We take separate vacations.

We're doing everything we can to stay together.

*****

Zsa Zsa Gabor:

A man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

I'm a great housekeeper. Every time I've gotten a divorce, I've kept the house.

[kelsie Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close kelsie]

Joke

A couple went to an exclusive timeshare resort. Upon signing in, they were told there was an added assessment of $25.00 a day for wireless internet, fitness room, laundry, conference room etc. The guest told the reservationist that those things were not needed for their stay, and was told, "well sir they are there for your use and that is why we charge the money." Upon checking out, the guest handed the person at the front desk a bill in the amount of $500.00. "What is this for?", the clerk asked. "For sleeping with my wife", replied the guest. "I didn't." "Well, replied the guest, "she was there for your use, and that is why I am charging the money."

[Lanalee Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Lanalee]

Mike's father was terminally ill and was expected to die soon. When Mike was told he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. She was gorgeous! Gathering his courage, he walked up to her and said "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men... .

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A
blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have
lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but
this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece
looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then
took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a
710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there.

(Click here to see her missing 710.)

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Hellmann's mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Veracruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the
largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The
people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning, which they still observe to this day occurs each year on May
5th and is known, of course, as




Sinko de Mayo.
WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me!

Arriba! Arriba..............he he he

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

With my life

A sharp police officer!


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do! "

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I did it with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."