Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like
I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how
big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-___expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

>> The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to
>> keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
>> distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
>>
>> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
>> the scent of fresh hay.
>>
>> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
>> the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
>>
>> The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
>>

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They

search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!" ( Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Minnesota

I was born and raised in Minnesota - My sister sent these (she lives in North Dakota now):

The owner of a golf course in Minneapolis was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Minnesota and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Minnesota women.

-------------------------------------------------------

A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

Where's Henry?" the others asked.

Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

-------------------------------

A senior citizen of Minnesota was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Duluth." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Duluth because everything happens in Duluth 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

-----------------------------------

The young man from Fergus Falls came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Sven, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Sven replied, "Did you see who it was?

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

------------------------------------

NEWS FLASH! - Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Iowa students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

--------------------------------------------

A Minnesota State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-35. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

--------------------------------------------

And My Favorite

A man in Blaine, had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.

[dawg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dawg]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[dawg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dawg]

Retirement Planning

Retirement Planning:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
With Lucent, you would have $3.50 left of the original $1000.00


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[dawg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dawg]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

[dawg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dawg]

Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley, Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend 's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)





"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

[opkansas Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close opkansas]

Girls night out . . .

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away with that.

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, SHIT', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[deede Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close deede]

not exactly a joke, but a funny/cute video, nevertheless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amyRE...related&search

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Christmas At Martha's

Christmas At Martha's

Dear Friend

This perfectly delightful note is being sent in paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peach and mauve's. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any neighborhood Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Your Friend, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.

[dawg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dawg]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

Grandma's boyfriend

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

* "Will I Live To Be 80?"*
> *I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
>After two visits and
> exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
>"fairly well" for my age.
> A little concerned about that comment, I
>couldn't resist asking him,
> "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked,
>"Do you smoke tobacco,
> or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied.
>"I'm not doing drugs,
> either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye
>steaks and barbecued
> ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said
>that all red meat is very
> unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in
>the sun, like playing
> golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I
>don't," I said. He
> asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
>have a lot of sex?"
> "No," I said. "I don't do any of those
>things." He looked at me and
> said, "Then, why do you give a damn?"*