Post a Joke.

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Ain't It The Truth

Ain’t it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he instead came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?", I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replied. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

skinny, old, drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.


Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma 's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"


At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..




"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"

[susieq Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close susieq]

Harry is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few
things.
Nothing works, so the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame
there is a flash of billowing blue smoke. He says "This is powerful medicine.
You can only use it once a year. You say '123' and it will rise for as long as
you wish"
The guy asks "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it
will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night, ready to surprise Joyce, he showers, shaves, and puts on an exotic shaving
lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says "123." He suddenly becomes
more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks "What did you say 123 for?"



And that is why you should not end a sentence with a preposition!!

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

As I've Matured

http://www.libertyhigh56.net/special%20pages/mature/As%20I've%20Matured.htm

I should learn how to shorten this link. Sorry!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

You have got to love this one

> She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
> He walked in.
> She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me --
> This very moment."
> His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
> Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it
> his all, Right there on the kitchen table.
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
> More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken!"

[barefootsun.com Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close barefootsun.com]

You gotta do Something..

"You gotta do something." Farmer John told the sheriff.
"Speeders are killing my chickens."

The next day, workers erected a sign near the farm:
Slow--- School Crossing.

Three days later, John called again. "That signs not helping.Folks ignore it."
So the Sheriff sent out workers with a new sign: Slow--- Children at play.

Three days later, Farmer John picked up the phone again. "Can I make my own sign?"The Sheriff agreed. Three weeks later he called to check on
John. "How's the new sign working out for you?""Great!" the farmer replied. "Not one chicken has been killed since I put it up."

Thinking such an effective sign might be useful elsewhere, the Sheriff went to see it. The new sign read:
Nudist Colony--- Go Slow and watch for chicks.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less

then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and
sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the
older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A very loud, unattractive, witch of a woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children
you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.

Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins??
Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter.? "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

REAL MAN
A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
------------------------------------------------
MIDLIFE CRISIS?
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
-----------------------------------------------
A KISS
A very beautiful girl walked up to a department store's fabric counter and said, "How much is this?" "Only a kiss a meter," replied the smirking man assistant. "That's fine." replied the girl. "I'll take for meters." The assistant quickly measured the material, wrapped it and then gave it to the girl. Taking it, the girl turned and pointed to an old man standing beside her. "My grandpa will pay the bill." she said.
--------------------------------------------
MAKING SOMEONE GLAD
A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?" "Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone glad yesterday." "Well done. Who was that?" "My granny." "Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad." "Please, teacher, I went to see her
yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!

[kapish Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close kapish]

Not a joke: BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Boyfriend pillow for Japan singles

[Lanalee Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Lanalee]

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his computer and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he types in "penis".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.