Post a Joke.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Husband/Wife Conversation Gone Bad

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes load groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: "$hit."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he
questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband!
Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar buzzing
noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously
entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring
at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.

The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied,
"I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."



The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"



"About a gallon."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Not sure how long this will work for.

1.) go to www.google.com
> 2.) type in "failure"
> 3.) press the "I'm feeling lucky button" (instead of the
"Google search" one)
> 4). Laugh
> 5) Forward to others before the Google folks fix this!

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Sneaking Out Is Dangerous

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No Way", the blonde exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday."

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

The Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds
his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over
and asks her if she is OK

She replies "yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she
was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...

(scroll down)... I love this one






FOR BEST RESULTS .
PUT ON TWO COATS

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Accident

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in
an accident."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Have you read the newly released sex study?

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples
is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A very wealthy man was having an affair with an
Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, he paid
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italyto
secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support
until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when
the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her
to simply mail him a post
card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would
then arrange for child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.

"Honey, you received a very strange post card
today," she said.

"Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it
later," he answered.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband first
read the card, then
turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde Aussie
were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde Aussie
said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land
on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde
replied,We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicelyif he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within
half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen despertely throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks
what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm
rechecking my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have
kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree
in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the
little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning,
she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big
oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following
note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Ski Trip


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and ! the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"


"Yes, I do." said Bob


"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"


"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."


"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's f! ace turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else! You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

[Beaglemom3 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Beaglemom3]

What'd He Say?

WHAT'D HE SAY?



A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "



He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite loudly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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Do not leave your computer on at night

http://www.justracin.net/is.swf