Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

I am Trying to keep most of the Jokes posted here on one thread. It is still ok to post them outside of this thread if you like.
I just feel it maybe better to view them all this way.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Subject: Choosing Heaven or Hell?


A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and
in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that,
before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and
waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never
have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to
him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had
a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my
friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

[Fern Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fern]

Here's something that should come in handy these days!

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during thecourse of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:

I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:

He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing,
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house, we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter, and they will teach your parrots to praise and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that in no time."

The next day she brought her parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her parrots in with them.

Immediately, her female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Jokes for Fun

Jokes for Fun

This explains why we forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got
closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in. I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler
asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink, then gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind."

Soooo...Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us
without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but
still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of
the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Tadpoles to Frogs

Don't let this happen to yours!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Hearing

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go
to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


(I just love this.)



"Ted, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

I Need To Slim Down

Man...i'm Getting So Fat I Can Hardly Scratch My Own Butt!!

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

That isn't Ted, but Robert!!!

... "Ted, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"

I can't hear a thing.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair
in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man
was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

[tonyg Goomba & Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close tonyg]

Good and evil

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add
some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh ! green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said! , "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them.

" And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.

And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed
and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And
Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[The Conch Man Past Goumba President & BigFrank's Cigar Buddy! Find all posts View Profile Close The Conch Man]

This is a serious problem that plays on your sympathies. Do not be fooled! This is a trick!

Men, please tell your women to watch out for this.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Who's On First" -- new version



George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Parting Thought:

98-year-old Mother Superior....from Ireland....was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow!"