Post a Joke.

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Just a weeee bit....

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children
beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to
marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you
came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so
the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the
ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the
beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Alternate Cure

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can!, Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

The Italian Bride

Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she
was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; “Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go
upstairs and he’ll take care of you. Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.”

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a
big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother, “all good men
have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his
hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

“Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man.

Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.

So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

“Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!

Her mama said, “Stay here and stir the pasta.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Coaches

The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a coaches' retreat.

To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with
Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to
make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take
turns. The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next
morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched
him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same
thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player-looking type of man's man.
Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning."
They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Colonscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earheart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?"

12. "God! Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all....

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there!

[Fern Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Fern]

The Perfect Man

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Cheaper Health Plan

CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE
PLAN:

10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a
day."

5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.

4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a
typographical error.

3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Why God made Moms, by 2nd graders

WHY God made moms" answers given by 2nd grade school children to the
following questions.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. (My personal
favorite!)

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have
magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of
her head.

[jackio Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close jackio]

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face
was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you look" and couldn't remember
ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought
you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world
coming to, here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers
her children!

Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but,
MAYBE....during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college,
perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in
the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college
and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in
front of everyone?"

"No!" she said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's
second-grade teacher!"

[jackio Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close jackio]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little girl and some construction workers that
makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a
child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with
the crew building the house next door to us." " My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in sheet rock..."

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

ARE THESE PEOPLE FOR REAL?
(yes, and they will probably reproduce)


ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid!"

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

2 to 200 in 4 seconds

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have
a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The Hikers

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Snow & Rain

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we
wear rubbers!"

Don't you just love little old ladies!