Post a Joke.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Prayers

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store,golf course and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s__t!
Amen

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Blonde Guy

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Incorrect Husband

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."


The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't.He just walked in the door."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Tomato garden Italian style

The Italian Tomato Garden
>
> An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
> He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
> but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
> His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
> The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
>
> Dear Vincent,
> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
> my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
> garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
> would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>
> Dear Dad,
> Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
> That's where I buried the BODIES.
> Love Vinnie
>
> At 4 a.m. the next morning,
> FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
> up the entire area without finding any bodies.
> They apologized to the old man and left.
>
> That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



>
> Dear Dad,
> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
> That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
> Love Vinnie

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! -- two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and abracadabra! -- the husband was now 92 years old!




The moral of this story.....

Men might be ungrateful idiots....

But fairies are......female!

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

For Family & Friends only

We haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final. We just purchased a one bedroom condo near SOUTH PADRE Island on the TEXAS Gulf coast as an investment property.

It finally closed last week, so we thought that we would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the island. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent.

Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for the week. These prices are low because they are for friends and family.

In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush green palm trees, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo below.

Let me know if you're interested

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and
cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show
you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex
with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

The Amazing Claude

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping
the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..."

Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[jackio Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close jackio]

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS


The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE



The Bishop was buried the next day.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Sick Call

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"




"I can't see my ass coming to work today " .

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Traveling Business Man





He checked into a hotel on a business trip and
was a bit lonely so he thought I'd get me one of
those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when your calling for a cab.
>
He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely
girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the
right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way
up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and
figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
>
> "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded
> sexy.
>
> "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd
like you to come to my room and give me one. No,
wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town

all alone and what I really want is sex. I want
it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm
talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks.
> We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up,
wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how
does that sound?"
>
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an
outside line you need to press 9."

[Hatrack Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Hatrack]

Speaking of genetics...

did you know diarrhea is hereditary? (it runs in your genes)

[tonyg Goomba & Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close tonyg]

Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[JWC Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close JWC]

What makes 100%?

What makes 100%?
What does it mean! to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

[jackio Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close jackio]

Inner Peace

It has been proclaimed that the way to achieve inner peace
is to finish all the things you have started. So I
looked around my house to find things I had
started but hadn't finished and, before leaving the
house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the
rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of
Chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin' good I feel. Please
pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner
peace.