Post a Joke.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

From the A.A.R.P. magazine

Many "Old Folks" (those hovering near 60, over 60, or WAY over 60), are quite confused about how they should present themselves to appear "hip" and "up to date".

To keep them from being unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to conform to current fashions and trends....we suggest they pay attention and be advised the following combinations do NOT go together and should be avoided at all costs:

1) A nose ring and bifocals
2) Spiked hair and bald spots
3) A pierced tongue and dentures
4) Miniskirts and support hose
5) Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6) Speedos and "hail damage" cellulite
7) A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8) Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9) Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge (Hell, that goes for ANY age...hello!!!!)
10) Bikinis and liver spots
11) Short-shorts and varicose veins
12) Rollerblades and a walker

and last but not least....

13) THONGS and DEPENDS.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Gone Fishing

Early on Saturday morning I got up early, put on my
long johns, and dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed
the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck
and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is
like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the
rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back
into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I
find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the
boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into
bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible."

To which she sleepily mumbles, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that crap."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Fig Leaf

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.


Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.


She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.



After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of
applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink

[Jaybee Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jaybee]

Them Circle Flies...

A cowboy in Eastern Oregon got pulled over by a State
Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his
speeding, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the
cowboy feeluncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around
to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle
flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well
yeah, if that's whatthey are. I never heard of Circle flies."

The cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on
ranches. See, they'recalled circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you
trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes
back to writing theticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Out All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face. He
figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober
him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home
and
at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the
door
and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he
falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."








Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb
> > making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his
> butt.
> >
> > "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
> > uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
> >
> > "I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck
in
> my
> > butt."
> >
> > "I do not understand," said the other.
> >
> > The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
an
> > oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
> American
> > flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, I
> am
> > Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
> > I said, "No shit?"
> >
> >
> > God Bless America and all FREE countries!




IRISHMAN AFTER WORK

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 3 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.


When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke -- the broken glass carved up his backside terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.


A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checkedhimself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.


The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.


"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"


"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."


"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"


"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"


"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band Aids stuck to the mirror."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Early Retirement Bonus

EARLY RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy panicked when they discovered they had too many active
duty officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They
promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line, between any two points in
his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to
be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked
where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis
to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided
to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop
'em" which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the
tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

My God! He exclaimed in horror, "Where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam"

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood
sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you knock it off? I'm trying to poop!"

[JLB Please excuse me, I'm a Dick. Not a moron just a Dick Find all posts View Profile Close JLB]

Everything was new at one time.

Someone took the first Thermos to work. It went something like this:

What's that?

It's called a Thermos. Spose to keep hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold.

What's in it?

Coffee and a popsicle.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

north/south

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four ! men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid d! efense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, wat ch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Exotic Canada

A friend from Canada just sent this to me...so I hope you ALL enjoy this....

The answers are smart-ass responses but the questions were
really asked.


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure! It's only Four thousand miles; take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and
Halifax? (UK)
A: And what did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A : Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can
scare them off byspraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you
help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Missing Person's Report

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Staff Efficiency

To ALL STAFF


Due to the increased workload, the management has decided that it can no longer afford for you to take time out of your busy schedule for going to the restroom.

Instead, to increase employee efficiency the company will shoulder the expense of remodeling your cubicle to accommodate restroom privileges.

[tonyg Goomba & Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close tonyg]

How to scare off telemarketers

Wilhiam Wagenhoss
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated
evening meal,
and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this
Wilhiam
Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so
I asked,
"Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer
Company or something like that and then I asked him if
he knew
Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this
number. I then
said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the
body and all
the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised
the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and
must stay on the line because we had already traced
this call and he
would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to
testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name,
address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove
where he had
been about one hour before he made this call. The
telemarketer was
getting very concerned and his answers were given in a
shaky voice.
I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at
his work
place and the police were entering the building to take
him into
custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the
scurrying of
his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had
tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I was laughing
so hard I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Grandmas Don't Know Everything!!

Well, this takes care of the theory that Grandmas know everything!

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her "Grandma, what is that called when people are*sleeping on top of each other?* She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth...
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said "Oh, OK" and went back outside to continue playing with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!

It's called Bunk Beds!"

[shopgirl Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close shopgirl]

Highway to Hawaii

This is an older joke, but a funny one.

A man finds a genie's bottle on the beach and dusts it off. Out pops Genie who grants the man three wishes.

For the first wish, the man asks for enough money in his pocket to buy anything he wants. If the bill is for a $3.99 hamburger, that would be how much he would have to the penny. If the bill is for a yacht, he would have exactly that amount. Genie says, "your wish is granted."

For the second wish, he asks for good health the rest of his life. Genie says, "your wish is granted."

For the third wish, the man asks for a highway to Hawaii. Genie tells him that would be too difficult, all of the supports for the bridge across the Pacific, all of the pavement, etc. So the Genie tells the man that any other wish, he would grant. So the man thinks for a while and decides on his final wish. "I would like to understand women." The Genie says, "how many lanes do you want that highway?"