Post a Joke.

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

You Caught My Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Can't afford to buy gasoline...funny

Or maybe this should be under *political*?

http://toccionline.kizash.com/films/1001/178/

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

The woman's husband...

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Bubba & BillyBob

While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir,N.C. were in the local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week,when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied,"Great!, I love spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

shopping for beer

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queezy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Politically Correct

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

(new 2005 version)

She is not a BABE or a CHICK -
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER -
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY -
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB -
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND -
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY -
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU -
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT -
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE -
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to speak about men and be politically correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT -
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER -
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING -
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER -
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN! DRUNK -
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS -
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

He is not HORNY -
He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

It's not his butt crack you see hanging out of his pants....
It is MALE CLEAVAGE.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

A reference please

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North, "because", he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.".

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

When I Say I'm Broke...i'm Broke!!

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."


"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."


And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

New Boss

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a
week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and says,
"Here's four weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,


"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.

There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

I Can't Afford My Gasoline

I Can't Afford My Gasoline
http://toccionline.kizash.com/films/1001/178/

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A women comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
his wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A male duck and a female duck go to a hotel for a discreet liaison. The female duck is lying naked on the bed when the male duck joins her. “Do you have a condom?” she asks. He nods his head and picks up the phone by the bed. “Is that the Concierge? Ok, this is Mr Duck, room 213 – I need a condom………………no I don’t want you to put it on my bill, what d’ya think I am a pervert????!!!!!”

[tonyg Goomba & Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close tonyg]

real news - the truth is often hilarious

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20050828...austriaoffbeat

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

An Embarrassing Mistake

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."