Post a Joke.

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

The Value Of Ten Dollars

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"



At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded, "I am the lead lecturer where I use
information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in
fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the
best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely
best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this
with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.



After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.



When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.



"But we didn't use them," the man complains.



"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.



"But we didn't go to any of those shows, complains the man again."



"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.



No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agree's to pay.



He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."



"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."



"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.



Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

[Joe L Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Joe L]

French Foreign Legion

A man gets dumped by his girlfriend of many years and joins the French Foreign Legion. He get's assigned to the Sahara Desert. After three months he's longing for female companionship.

He asks his sergeant what they do for female companionship. The sergeant responds "We use the camel". The soldier is disgusted and leaves.

Three more months go by and the soldier can't take it anymore. He succumbs and "mounts" the camel. The sergeant runs to him asking "What are you doing?" The soldier responds "You said you use the camel."

The sergeant responds "Yes, we use the camel..to go to town."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

I am a Father



A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Once upon a time,

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat,

~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

~~~~~~~~

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

~~~~~~~~

and said: Elegant Lady,

~~~~~~~~

I was once a handsome prince,

~~~~~~~~

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

~~~~~~~~

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever

~~~~~~~~

feel grateful and happy doing so.

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautéed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~



I don't think so.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This
is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had
told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

> One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
> of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
> happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the
> offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive
> pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor,
> overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but
> notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
>
> "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
> some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how
> much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
>
> The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
> for a living?" ? "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
>
> "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
> practice?
>
> The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
> Vegas and one in Reno."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
>> one enjoys it?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Tgif

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F”.

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T”.

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F”,
more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T”.

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,
so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly
as possible, “T-G-I-F”.

The man smiled back at her and once again
replied, “S-H-I-T”.

The exasperated blonde finally decided to
explain, “T-G-I-F means ‘Thank Goodness It’s
Friday’. Get it, duhhh?”

The man answered, “S-H-I-T means
‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday’

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy,
how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button , Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The Dying Pastor6

An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them
to b with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never
given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are sitting in a bar. They're staring at a man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. His face is very familiar but not one of them can recognise him. They're getting annoyed. They stare and stare until suddenly the Irishman twigs, "My God . . . . . it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

Jesus then gets up and approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

He then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager and as he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, that bad back I've had nearly all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then reaches across to shake the hand of the Scouser who says
"Back off wack, I'm on disability benefit."