Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Penis Requests a raise

Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving
the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down (David Letterman)


10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Han't Never Heerd Tell


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there '"Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

CATHOLIC HORSES

Bubba was from Alabama, and was a good ol' Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies, and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Bubba collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!

ubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants....... You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

[Laurie Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Laurie]

Q. What is Bush's opinion on Roe vs. Wade?
A. He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

Sorry if this is a dupe (and several days old), I haven't had a chance to read all the way thru this thread!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
> and H are the letters
> used to define bra sizes?
>
> If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
> what the letters stood
> for, it is about time you became informed!
>
>
>
> (A} Almost Boobs...
>
> {B} Barely there.
>
> {C} Can't Complain!
>
> {D} Dang!
>
> {DD} Double dang!
>
> {E} Enormous!
>
> {F} Fake.
>
> {G} Get a Reduction.
>
> {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A comical look at aging

A comical look at aging

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're cotton-pickin' right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
buried at Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts
of my body are just prone to swinging .

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my
age, but they haven't made one yet called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as
your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

You know you are in a Hurricane area if....

[B]Just for some laughs....and maybe not...'cause most of these ARE True...[/B]


You know you live on the Gulf Coast (or in any hurricane area) when ...

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

Gasoline is a rare commodity worth waiting in line for hours just to get 10 gallons.

You are delighted to be able to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take gallon of gas to get there and back"

You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.

You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.

A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

Your child's first words are "hunker down"

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

Toilet Paper is worth more than gold coins

You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."

Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

This could Happen to You!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Smart kid!

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage
on this house is $180,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last
night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $180,000
mortgage & no bike!”

[Laurie Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Laurie]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed".

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[The Conch Man Past Goumba President & BigFrank's Cigar Buddy! Find all posts View Profile Close The Conch Man]

The Blond & the Football Game

Guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like . . . Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Religian joke this is bad

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0805/cults.html

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Bridge

I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying
for a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I
was occupying in this small town Florida community.

When I asked the reason she had left her last employer,
she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm
tellin' ya, it was the most ridiculous and sinful place
I've ever worked.

My last night they were playing some kind of game called
Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from
the social pages of our town newspaper. I was about to bring in the
refreshments, when I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what
you've got."

Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Then another man
says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

Well, I pretty near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then, when I
was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, "You jumped me twice
when you said you didn't have the stren gth for one more raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And
I couldn't believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet
another lady call out, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband
and you can play with mine."

Well, with them shenanigans goin' on, I just got my hat and coat and as
I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess
we'll all go home now, cuz this is the last rubber!"

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Negative People

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy o go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresse asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,! too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook m hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?

He said, "Where'd you get the sh***y hairdo?"