Post a Joke.

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

Payday

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A Love Story

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU..

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN
AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE
RELIEVED WHEN I'M
FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.







ALL MY LOVE.

THE FLU

Now get your mind out of the gutter....
And get your flu shot!!!!!!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing.
When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out". They both
were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit
over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they
stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to
take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing
expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them...luckily she had
squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on

it...so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued
toward home. The following day, one of the women's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung
over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got
to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with
no panties!"...

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with
a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET
YOU"!!!

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

out of shape

I feel like my girlish figure has gotten totally out of shape , so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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Nobody

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

May not recall doing so, but

One nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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Could just hang around

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

What a country

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Call on Mom

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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Forgive Me

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

I'm finally lookin good

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Getting into it

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

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Percolating

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.