Post a Joke.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

--- Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Now, I think you're supposed to send these to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Can you tell the difference between the 2 pictures

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but there's two things:


#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."


The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Subject: The Prodigal Daughter (DB)]


Subject: The Prodigal Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute... "

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant.

Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[JWC Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close JWC]

That is a good one Frank. You are a regular joke machine.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Cold beer

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a
roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some drycleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she
walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So
she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya
know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a colt beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell
fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

This is funny

http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/brocolli.swf

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Subject: Men Never Listen



In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his
predicament.

Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,
WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist..

He pushed WW Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped,
he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding
a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.. The
ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push
the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last
thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow."

Men Never Listen

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
> >
> >
> >
> > Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining
> >
> > to
> >
> > her
> >
> > husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
> >
> > telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
> >
> > suggestion.
> >
> >
> >
> > "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
> >
> > paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
> >
> >
> >
> > Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands
> >
> > in
> >
> > front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
> >
> >
> >
> > "How long will this take?" she asks.
> >
> >
> >
> > "They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replies.
> >
> >
> >
> > She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
> >
> > between my
> >
> >
> >
> > breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
> >
> >
> >
> > He's still alive... and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
> >
> > again.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.


One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The knob


A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob",

where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be

turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new
face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems: I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always
loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob
won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Hillary Clinton
>
>
>
> A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in
> traffic. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars so
> he rolls down his
> window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
>
>
> The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade
> and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire! She says
> Bill has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running
> for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."
>
>
> The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
> The officer replies, "About 4 ½ gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Katrina Humor

Hurricane Katrina had brought the floodwaters to about

6 feet in and around most of the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor,

Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come when Mrs.

Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the

house. Then she saw it float out into the front yard,

then float back to the house, then reappear floating

away from the house, then back towards house. Her

curiosity finally got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.

Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a

floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

"Oh yeah, dat be my husband. I dun tole dat coonass he
gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Lexus

I just got my new Lexus RX400h and returned to the dealer the next day,
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" He said, "Nelson! The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say,"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said,
"Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car,
but I swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" I yelled.....
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and
Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar,
Al Gore on drums
and
Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car!