Post a Joke.

[JWC Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close JWC]

I just got my new Lexus RX400h and returned to the dealer the next day,
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" He said, "Nelson! The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say,"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said,
"Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car,
but I swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" I yelled.....
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and
Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar,
Al Gore on drums
and
Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car!

That is good.

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

wedding gifts

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man
behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Funny

The knob
...
Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee

Try to imagine what the rest of her looked like!!!!

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

I couldn't let it pass

That is good.

That was routed to me and it was too good to not share.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young,new
doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she
was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor
was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Fred

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I wasFred Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took
away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just "Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Wilderness

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month, otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or
so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens
it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great," says Tom," after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... there's gonna be some
drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right -- I'll be there,
thanks again."

"More'n likely, be some wild sex, too," says Lars.

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"


"Don't much matter.... just gonna be the two of us

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

More Joke Than Politics

Theodore Roosevelt on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN

"In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the man's becoming in very fact an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag, and this excludes the red flag, which symbolizes all wars against liberty and civilization, just as much as it excludes any foreign flag of a nation to which we are hostile...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."


Theodore Roosevelt 1907

[Faust Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Faust]

Camping Stars

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, and then speaks.

"Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Don

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After
they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Living Will

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "

Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.

The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."

"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"His clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan

[lawren2 Malibu Beach Barbie & A Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close lawren2]

An oldie but a goody

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't
be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to
you and your Family. Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline.

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now
since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a
little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit
with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have
their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know
tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday, drink drive and die. The Bitch from
HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

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