Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Warning this is a bad one.

ADULT CONVERSATION

A Guy goes into an adult porn store to buy a rubber "blow-up" doll.

The conversation goes something like this:

Guy: I want a life-like "blow-up" doll.

Clerk: Male or Female?

Guy: Whaddaya think I am? Of course, I want a girl doll.

Clerk: You want her short, medium or tall ?

Guy: Medium, I guess.

CLerk: Asian, Black or Caucasian ?

Guy: Caucasion !

Clerk: Christian or Muslim ?

Guy: Whaaat...? You gotta be kidding me! What's the difference?

Clerk: The Muslim dolls blow themselves up !

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Just a bad joke about happiness

The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are

flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura,

chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00

bill out the window right now and make somebody

very happy."


Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could

throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10

people very happy."


Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw

one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a

hundred people very happy."


The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his copilot,

"Such big shots back there. hell, I could throw all

of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Is Mommy near the phone?

((RING))))
**Pick Up**

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

***Brief Pause***
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on them dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???"... Is this 486 -5731 ???

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

New redneck guidelines

Subject: New Redneck Guidelines......

Definite "No-No's"


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take the cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change those sheets.

5. Even if you're sure that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the reading of it.





DINING OUT


1. When drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may
not have dogs.




ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
Taxidermist.

2 Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners
are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private - using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social "no-no", as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.





DATING (Outside the Family)



1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested. Tell her, "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad, do ya'?"





WEDDINGS



1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds just might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too 'sporty' an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.





DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way. This is 4 all the fools in Berkeley Co with their S U V and Cell Phones

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and/or duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to also bring you back a cold beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.





TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER



1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

George W Bush



Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Sumbitch

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in
the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping t! he gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Social Security

After retiring, I went to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me”, and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.”

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Man checks into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit
lonely, so he thought he'd get him one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabs a card on his
way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely
girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all
the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the
way up to her ass. You know the kind. So the guy is in his room and figures
what the hell, and gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded soooo sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want
it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky! The whole night long. You
name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear
a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9."

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Notes to the Milkman

These notes left for milkmen came from England, where milk
apparently is still being delivered.

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Cancel one pint after the day after today."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bred today."

"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house
but two sons on the dole."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a
baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a
dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window
and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to
turn the mattress.

"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last
nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what
happened over a cup of tea."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it
before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby
two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour
told me."

"Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and
Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence,
because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."

"When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS. Don't leave any milk.

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he
is dead until further notice."

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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes
and house cleaning.
He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from North Carolina. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a New York girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Gotta love them New York Girls.

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Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly Were
Sitting Naked In A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed Her Forearm
And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly.

"that Was My Pager" She Said. "i Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."


A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Women Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be
Outdone, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive.

She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom.
She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind.

The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.

The Hillbilly Woman Finally Said,

"well, Will You Look At That. I'm Gettin' A Fax."

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THE AMISH ELEVATOR



>An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.They were amazed by almost
>everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
>move apart and then slide back together again.
>
>The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
>
>The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
>seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
>
>While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
>in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The
>walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls
>closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
>the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
>the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
>
>Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped
>out.
>
>The father said quietly to"his son..."Go get your mother."

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Long Handle

Little Ole and Little Lena love going to the Disney website. They have to keep track of their password: MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto.

When asked why it was so long. Little Ole explained, "They say it has to have at least four characters."

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Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't care less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, refused to pay.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.