Post a Joke.

[zee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close zee]

Body Builder

Body Builder

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He
catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was."

[zee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close zee]

Body Builder

Body Builder

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He
catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was."

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him
she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience
and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he
could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him
she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience
and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he
could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Subject: What is Easter ? ?


Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast,and we give thanks and eat turkey."

Saint Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

Saint Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and Saint Peter said, "So,tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross, and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

Saint Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."


Saint Peter fainted

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Husband Wanted Ad

Lonely woman, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED.
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day she heard the door bell ring. Much to her dismay,she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said " Your not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs."

The Old Man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you."

She snorted, "You don't have any arms either."

Again he smiled, "Nor can I beat you."

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, Are you still good in bed?"

With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and
said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Subject: What is Easter ? ? ...

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball." ...

Now THAT I actually laughed out loud.

Thanks Danny

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in.," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?


If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Adam and Eve Humor

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go into that valley."
Adam asked, "What is a valley?"
God explained it to him and said, "Then cross the river."
Adam asked, "What is a river?"
God explained it to him and said, "Then go over the hill."
Adam asked, "What is a hill?"
God explained it to him and said, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam asked, "What is a cave?"
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam asked, "What is a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.....and said "I want you to reproduce."
Adam asked, "How do I do that?"
God said, under his breath, "Goodness me" and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, too."
So Adam goes into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam said,
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
"What is a headache?"

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

A Catholic Heart Attack:

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank.."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Sance Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sance]

Six Classic Affairs

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seeen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you,"she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak, and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course
of normal conversation with their co -workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do
however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a f____ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD O F:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job f___ing sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
> "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said
> to himself.
> As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
> behind him.
>
> He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
>
> He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw
> that the bear was closing in on him.
>
> He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He
tripped
> and fell on the ground.
> He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
> reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
him.
>
> At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.
>
> Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone
> upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all
of
> these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a
cosmic
> accident.
> Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a
> believer?"
>
> The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me
> to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
> make the BEAR a Christian?"
>
> "Very well," said the voice.
>
> The light went out.
>
> "The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right
paw,
> brought both paws together and bowed his head and
> spoke:
>
> "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our
Lord,
> Amen."

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

Star gazing

Last Night I was lying in bed looking up at all the beautiful stars, and I thought to myself......Where the hell did my ceiling go?