Post a Joke.

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

Lemonade?

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away for free, and charge five dollars for the second glass. The second glass contained the antidote...

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

Late Night Political humor

"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Len

"After Afghanistan, President Bush flew to India, where he was greeted by 10,000 angry protestors. As a result, most Americans spent all day on hold with computer problems." --Conan O'Brien

"Documents were introduced in court today to link Saddam Hussein to a 1982 massacre. Saddam claims it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Rodney Dangerfield 1 liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and she said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said .."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Phyllis and Mort, a retired couple from New York City,
living in Boca Raton, are getting ready to go out to dinner.
Phyllis says, "Mort,darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"
Mort says, "Do I care?"
A few minutes later Phyllis says, "Mort, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex ?"
Mort says, "Who cares ?"
A few more minutes pass and Phyllis says, "Mort, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
Mort says, "Phyllis, I really don't care what you wear,

but if you don't move your ass, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special.*

[Sance Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sance]

The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Could you please
give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she
is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him a condom; and as the young man is going out, he
returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative
manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The
pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns
back and says:
"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's
mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes
allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting
something from me!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the
sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the
boy lowers his head and starts praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!" A
minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..."Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head
down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more
than the others.

She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I did not know you were
so religious!!!"

The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill! with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

NEW SCAM ..PLEASE BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.

This scam is aimed primarily at men - advise your spouse - significant other ...

Latest scam, and according to Snopes.Com, this one is real. Be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat. Then both are begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I couldn't find them on Saturday.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as
the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . ..
you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs,love the Lord,and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong
Romantic streak
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your
step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

Some late night fun with Leno......


"More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on samesex marriage. Today, her husband bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage." --Jay Leno

"Did you know the winner of this year's best foreign language film got an Oscar and one of our seaports?" --Jay Leno


"In his acceptance speech, George Clooney said he was proud to be out of touch, and today George Bush said, 'Hey, me too.'" --Jay Leno

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

How Was I Born?

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo."

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

[DorotaG Member Find all posts View Profile Close DorotaG]

Word Scrabble

SCRABBLE WORDS

Interesting...

This has got to be one of the cleverest.

Some one out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
(Probably a son-in-law)

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

This one is very adult in nature. You were warned

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy
habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one. She
went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how
could you be lying
to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The
husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she

Leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart, what do you think I should

Do?"



He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Pit Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Pit]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?



Nacho Cheese

[Joe L Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Joe L]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian"