Post a Joke.

[JoAnn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JoAnn]

Ob/gyn

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
received a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."

[libraria Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close libraria]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know, I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde had just opened a book but she closes it and says, "What would
you like to discuss?"
He says "How about timesharing?"
"OK" says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff..... grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out
a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to talk
about timesharing when you don't know ****?"

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

OHHH, those darn abbreviations!!!

If You Gotta Go, Start Early
=============================

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for
her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for
reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was
fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write
the word "toilet" in her letter.

So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode"
Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she
decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your
campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't
figure out what she meant by "B.C."

He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested
the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there
was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist
Church.

So he sent this reply:



Dear Madam: The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground
in a beautiful grove of trees.

I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going
regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will
seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Sunday of each week.

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.
The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the
quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter
met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to
purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend
regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went.
It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially
in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time
you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks
who will be there.

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

A man walks into a bar on a Saturday afternoon and walks up to the bartender. He places his order for three pints of Guinness and heads to a corner booth. When the waitress brings them over to him, he places the three beers in front of him and takes a drink from each one, in order and repeats until all three beers are gone.

The waitress comes over to the man and says, "I couldn't help but notice how you were drinking your beers. Why not just drink one and then order another so they will be fresh?"

The man replied, "My two brothers and I grew up in Ireland and every Saturday at this time we would go to the pub and sit together and drink a pint of Guinness. As we grew older and moved away, we promised each other that we would keep the tradition. So as I sit here drinking a pint for myself and my two brothers, each of them is sitting in a pub doing the same."

The man paid for the drinks and left. He returned the following Saturday and did the exact same thing. And returned the Saturday after and the Saturday after that. He became a regular at the bar and every Saturday, like clockwork, he'd come in at the same time and hoist a pint for his two brothers and himself.

One day the man came into the bar and only ordered two pints. As the bartender watched the man, his heart sank because he knew that one of the man's brothers must have passed away. He approached the man in the corner booth and said, "I notice you are only drinking two pints. I wanted to come express my sincere regrets over the loss of one of your brothers."

The man thought about it for a moment and then laughed. "Oh no," he said, "it's not like that at all. Both of my brothers are alive and healthy. The reason I am not drinking a third is that my wife has decided that we will become Mormons, and Mormons can't drink. But that doesn't apply to my two brother

[WanderLust Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close WanderLust]

People always tell me that I am a day late and $ short

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last, his conscience began to bother him and! he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye calling' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[ArtsieAng Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close ArtsieAng]

A Blind Bloke

A Blind Bloke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blind bloke walks into a shop with his guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help you, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind man. "Just looking."
__________________

[The Conch Man Past Goumba President & BigFrank's Cigar Buddy! Find all posts View Profile Close The Conch Man]

This Joke will have Ya on the Floor ~~

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulp mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!"

I fainted.

[reddiablosv Member Find all posts View Profile Close reddiablosv]

3 old ladies on a park bench.

3 elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench when the unthinkable happened. A flasher displayed himself to them. All three ladies were quite disturbed by the display. The lady closest to the pervert promptly had a stroke! The second lady also had a stroke!!! And the third lady, being much more frail and elderly than the other two,....... ... could'nt reach! Ben

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Good Question

Little Ole was listening to a Bible story. His Dad, Big Ole read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

Concerned, Little Ole asked: "What happened to the flea?"

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Don't Mess With Old Folks!!

RUDE RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Senior Musings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is "when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it."

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask "who is to be notified in case of an emergency." I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve!

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
> morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
> about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
> plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
>
> One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
> field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
> began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
>
> Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden,
> the old mule lashed out with both hind feet,caught her smack in the back
> of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
>
> At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
> odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
> listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
> mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his
> head in disagreement.
>
> This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about
> it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
> asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always
> shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
>
> The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
> about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
> my head in agreement."
>
> "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
>
> "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
>

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Subject: Driver's License
>
>
>A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
>was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
>His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you.
>You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
>Then we'll talk about it."
>
>After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they
>could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study
>where the father said "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought
>your grades up and you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get
>your hair cut."
>
>The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been
>thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had
>long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
>
>The minister said, "Yes and everywhere they went, they walked."
>

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?
>
>
> Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
>their days interesting.
>
> Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
>shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a
>cop writing out a parking ticket.
>
> I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
>citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
>
> I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing
>another ticket for having worn tires.
>
> So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it
>on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
>This went on for about 20 minutes.
>
> The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I
>didn't care. I came into town by bus.
>
> I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
>
> It's important at my age.
>

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Presidential dilemma:
>
>You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that a large
>meteor is heading straight for Earth and will strike France at 2:00 AM one
>month from today. France calls and beg you to use all available arsenal to
>save it. You know that by doing this it take away from our military effort
>in Iraq and hurt the war against terrorism. If you don't, France is toast.
>Here is your dilemma. Do you stay up and watch it live, or tape it and
>watch it in the morning?