Post a Joke.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Sad! Very, very sad...........
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

[Glitter Brunello Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Glitter Brunello]

Long Island "joke" email

I have never seen this before, and since I was able to identify with much (not all, for sure) of it, I thought I'd post it so folks could get an idea of the Long Island frame of mind. Made me chuckle.


THE REST OF YOU...YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR MISSING......

LONG ISLAND
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there. When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't. You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York. You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition. You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City". You never realize you have an accent till you leave. Every thing north of the Bronx is "upstate." New Jersey sucks.

At some point in your life you've gone clamming. Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city. You'd pay $11.50 for a movie. You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island. You know where the Commack Motor Inn is. Your distant future might involve the state of Florida. You can correctly pronounce places like Ronkonkonma, Happauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa. You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonalds and 36 7-11's. You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..." You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.

No, you don't want mustard on that burger!! You can't understand why a diner would ever close. You've had a seagull crap on your car. You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville. You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number 1 game among children 7-13. You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave".

You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan. You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York. You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30. You or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League. Quick! Who's your county Executive? Don't know do you?! You've never taken an MTA bus. The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks. You don't associate Fire Island with gay men. You know which parts of the Godfather were filmed on Long Island.

You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it. You miss wiffle ball and running through sprinklers. You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoy watching it grow up. Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore". You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn. When people ask "where are you from?" you answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York. You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."

The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving). Your parents took you to All American, Nathans or Carvel (on the way home from the beach). Regular gas - $2.69 and you still pay it!!! You hate paying tolls. You don't have to go far to see your family. You remember Grumman. You'v e gotten drunk on the bleachers of some high school. You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE! You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good. You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Ronkonkoma. Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.

You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent." You went sledding in the sumps. You've partied on a golf course in the middle of the night. You knew of Massapequa before the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare. You think going to Queens was a hike. The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea" you were somewhere else and you laughed. When you live somewhere else and are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights. When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, you'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels. You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island. When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...it becomes normal to you. No word ends in an ER, just an AH.

[taffy19 Gold Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close taffy19]

The truth about Hell...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question : Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Would you Remarry?

Would You Remarry?
>
>
> A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
> at him and asks the question....
>
>
>
> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>
>
>
> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>
>
>
> WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>
>
>
> WIFE: -- silence --
>
>
>
> HUSBAND: "shit."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
delight, when her husband walked in.

He stood, watching her for a while, then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the
matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband smiled, then asked, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ass?"

To which she replied....."Your name never came up,"

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Clyde’s answer

A farmer named Clyde was involved in a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

But the judge was interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

”Pretty soon the Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he sighed, took out his gun and shot the old girl between the eyes to put her out of her misery.

”Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me and asked, ‘How are you feeling?’



“Now what would you have said?”

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Ole and Lena

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched
her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called
9-1-1.
The operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on
the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The
phone seemed to go dead.

The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear
him panting.

He finally came back on line and said, "I
dragged her over to Oak St., that's O-A-K."
************************************************** ******

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot
to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started
loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take
only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as
yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were
loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea
where we are?"

Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we
crashed last year."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lena called the airlines information desk and
inquired, "How long does it
take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.
Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I
tink I'll yust take da bus."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena,
who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
wife $400 a month for support."

Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And
vunce in a while I'll try to
chip in a few bucks, myself."
************************************

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da
difference between a
Norvegian and a canoe?"

No, I don't," answered Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed
safely he grumbled, "Vell,
dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat
flight insurance!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me
if da turn signals are working."

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
**************************************************

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip
they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya
vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put
a notice in the obituaries.

The gentleman at the counter, after offering his
condolences, asked Lena
what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked,
"That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?

Surely, there must be something more you'd like
to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words
are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally
said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale."

************************************************
Ole and Lars were on their very first train
ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel
them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked
excitedly.

No," replied Lars.
Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I
yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few
weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to
a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.
'Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet
she can't sing."

##################################

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting
on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't
Valter."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <

And dot's enough!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

To be a manager

> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo
> manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
> The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of
> coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of
> manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket
> of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
> waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up
> your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about,
> anyway?"
> The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come
> in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left! , one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As theplane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those
Centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of
2,000 meters and shortly after, headlines in the U. K. newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic
cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech
digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the
French."

One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace,
scientists had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded
that, 5,000 years ago, Jews were already using wireless technology."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking the census

A census taker in Arkansas went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now,

there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.

And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.

And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

[sreiml8 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close sreiml8]

California

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except
the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "your eyesight's is perfect".

[dimples Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dimples]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in
or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll
come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up
the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood.
"She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Lord, it's up to you

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

"God is so Good!"