Post a Joke.

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

An Audience With the Pope

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

"You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

*A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th*
*wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly,
a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being**
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other**
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Oh, I want to travel**
around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy
waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury**
liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought**
for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an**
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love , but my**
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. "Both The wife and the**
fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy**
waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old. The**
moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
that fairies are female. *

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Subject: Moses (Funny) {)
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
>President Bush encountered a man with long grey hair, wearing a white
robe
>and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man
and
>said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't
>answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said,
"Moses!"
>in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
>president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and,
pointing
>to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look
like
>Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
>"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me
and
>stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president
>yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him The Secret Service
agent
>went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just
like
>Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I
am
>Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years
>wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only
spot in
>the entire Middle East where there is no oil!"

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New

> >dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

> >

> >suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The

> >same Name Who Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.

> >could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back

> >then??

> >

> >upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This

> >balding Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To

> >have Been My Classmate. Hmmm ,...or Could He???

> >

> >after He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan

> >park High School.

> >

> >"yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

> >

> >"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.

> >

> >he Answered, "in 1969. Why Do You Ask?"

> >

> >"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.

> >

> >he Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Wrinkled

> >son-of-a-bitch Asked,

> >"what Did You Teach ?"

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Politically Incorrect Humor


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a policewoman, who was also blonde.


The blonde officer asked to see the blonde driver's license.


She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.


"It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman.


The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.


The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Joe's Will
>
>
> Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
>guests departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
>
> "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
>
> "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
>leaned in close to Helen. "How much did this really cost"?
>
> "Thirty-thousand," said Helen.
>
> "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was nice, but $30,000"??
>
> Helen answered. "Yes, the funeral was $ 6,000. I donated $500 to the
>church. The wake, food and drinks amounted to another $500. The remainder
>was spent on the memorial stone."
>
> Jody computed quickly. "$23,000 for a memorial stone? My GOSH, how
>big is it!"?
>
> "Two and a half carats."
>

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

>>> The older you are the funnier it gets.
>>>
>>> This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in
>>> Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one
>>> another for a number of years.
>>>
>>> One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the
>>> widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a
>>> wonderful evening and spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring
>>> glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.
>>> Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
>>>
>>> After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.
>>> Yes, I will. "
>>>
>>> The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to
>>> their
>>> respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she
>>> say 'Yes', or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would,
>>> he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous
>>> evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but
>>> for the life of him he could not recall her response.
>>>
>>> With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her
>>> First, he
>>> explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
>>> reviewed
>>> the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then
>>> inquired
>>> of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did
>>> you
>>> say 'No'?"
>>>
>>> "Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all
>>> my
>>> heart."
>>>
>>> The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
>>>
>>> Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
>>> remember who asked me."
>>>

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the
window and sure enough there
was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to
the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it
and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening,
Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before
they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their
conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss
most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims,
"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to mt secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled,
"You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ......... "Parkinson's!"

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

resortsie,

what a cool joke/story.

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

Oh TonyG, thought you were from CA after this little health nazis joke (cute though), Then I saw you were from CT which I guess is just a reflection of the left coast. "Paula Dean lives".

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking
to him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with

the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then

said,



"Herman,
remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance
money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers

in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,



"Herman,

remember that blow job I promised you?"

Here it comes

[Sandcrab Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Sandcrab]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening,
Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before
they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their
conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss
most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims,
"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to mt secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled,
"You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ......... "Parkinson's!"

Sorry, laughed until I got the hiccups on this one.

[lawren2 Malibu Beach Barbie & A Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close lawren2]

you find out interesting things when you have sons

you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.