Post a Joke.

[Thirsty Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirsty]

Put me in the 80% of men who will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid. When I was reading the joke I knew I would try it.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she
belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me have sex with you....but the girl
said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money
really fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees
and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened......
She said "THE BUM USED QUARTERS!!!"

Management lesson: ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

Ever been on vacation and had valuables disappear from your room ..... this is a must have

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.




"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."




"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.




"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."




And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.




Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.




Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises...




The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.




"Now it's time to visit heaven."




So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.




"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."




The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell."




So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.




The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"




The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...Today you voted."

[Danny Titus Member Find all posts View Profile Close Danny Titus]

ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY ....



The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out stepped two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs

came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

Ready...............You are going to love this......



"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
> beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
>
> "Of course. What may I do for you?"
>
> "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
> customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
> could carry it through customs for me -- under your robes perhaps?"
> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you; I will not lie."
> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
> When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
> official
> asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
> to declare from your waist to the floor?"
> "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
> which is, to date, unused.
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next! "

[roadsister Member Find all posts View Profile Close roadsister]

take the Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below:










Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[roadsister Member Find all posts View Profile Close roadsister]

HUh?

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can give
to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is
to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You
just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The
Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send
Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
mother and father have a child. It is not your brother
and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"! Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice
President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for
me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not
your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you
on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but
none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in
the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in
the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer
this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
&nb! sp;some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells
into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[roadsister Member Find all posts View Profile Close roadsister]

Memorial stone

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything was
>> done at the funeral home and cemetery, she told her closest friend that
>> there was none of the $30,000 left.
>>
>> The friend said, "How can that be?"
>>
>> The widow said, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500 and, of course, I made
>> a
>> donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
>> wake, food, and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
>>
>> The friend said, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?? My God, how big is
>> it?"
>>
>> The widow said, "Four carats."

[roadsister Member Find all posts View Profile Close roadsister]

Interesting answer

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

[roadsister Member Find all posts View Profile Close roadsister]

Helping Others

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Ouch Low blow.

[marcmuff Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close marcmuff]

Sparkly Headstone

Jill's husband died recently with only $25,000 to his name. After all the burial bills are paid, she tells her close friend that there's no money left.

The friend asks, "How can that be? You told me he had $25,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke already?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist. That was $400 and I spend another $400 for the wake, food, and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asks, "$18,200 for the memorial stone? How big is it?"

Jill replied, "Three karats"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shame facedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.