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[happymum Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close happymum]

If Airlines Sold Paint - an oldie but goodie!

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

This was written by Alan H. Hess, 1998

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

A man is out for walk, and his path takes him past a building with long, solid fence. As he nears the building, he hears a loud commotion coming from just inside the fence. A bunch of men are chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! …", and as they chant other people are laughing uproariously.

Of course, he starts wondering why chanting "Thirteen" could be so funny and as he gets near the spot where the noise is loudest, he sees a small hole in the fence, just big enough for him to peer through into the yard. The man's curiosity gets the better of him, so he leans forward and peers in.

Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! …"

[wackymother Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close wackymother]

Not a joke: BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Boyfriend pillow for Japan singles

I just saw this at Overstock.com! In fact, I emailed it to some friends because I thought it was funny. The Overstock reviews are a mixture of funny and sad....

Hug Me Pillow : Bedding & Bath from Overstock.com

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to
cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that
they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but
will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids
were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well,
he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.


The little girl screams to her brother "Don't eat it, it's an asshole"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him
why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend
you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that - 1) you
have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the roa
d, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin I am gay and I'm going to a
Halloween party.

[PHILL12 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close PHILL12]

Johnny's Tenth Birthday Party

Johnny was having his tenth birthday party later that day and the mother had him and his two brothers go play in the yard.
She was baking the cake and when finished put it in the window to cool.

Some of the their friends came over and put silver BB's on it spelling Happy Birthday Johnny.

Next day the boys were in the yard playing when the mother heard the youngest come crying in the house. She ran to him and asked what was wrong! He screamed he had just pee-pee a BB.

Mother asked if he was alright and he said yes and the mother told him to go out and play.

Few minutes later the second brother come running in screaming he had just pee-pee a BB.

Mother asked and was told he was alright and she told him to go play.

Few minutes later birthday Johnny comes running in screaming and the mother says" I know you just pee-pee a BB!

Johnny yells back "No mom I was playing with myself and I shot our dog"!

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

When To Cuss:

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old,
'I think it's about time we started cussing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.'

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,

'Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it
won't be Cheerios.'

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters

"I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah ! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews neetah!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic."
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!"
exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg , Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah, all da same!"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A lawyer and a Mexican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Mexicans are so dumb that he could get over
on them easy....
So the lawyer asks the Mexican if he would like to play a fun game.
The Mexican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the Mexican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth
to the moon?' The Mexican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Mexican's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
earphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Mexican
and hands him $500. The Mexican pockets the $500 and goes right back to
sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Mexican up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'
The Mexican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Don't mess with Mexicans. They only talk different....

[dawg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dawg]

Overheard at a Beverly Hills spa:

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

"Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed the 20 new windows. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

"Now, just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year; namely, that in just one year these windows would pay for themselves.

" 'Helllllooooo!' I told him. 'It's been a year!'

"There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again."

[ace2000 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ace2000]

Overheard at a Beverly Hills spa:

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

"Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed the 20 new windows. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

"Now, just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year; namely, that in just one year these windows would pay for themselves.

" 'Helllllooooo!' I told him. 'It's been a year!'

"There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again."

LOL - can we use that same line for our timeshare purchase? You know, the line where the salesman will state that the timeshare will 'pay for itself' by renting it out??? Just curious if that would work...

[susieq Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close susieq]

Nuts!!!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,

old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts

and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began

dividing the nuts.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down

toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his

bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from

inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One

for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his

bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met

an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe

what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the

cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard

for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though,

the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you,

one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin'

me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,

yet were still unable to see anything. The old man

and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the

fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a

glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.

That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and

we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full

5 minutes ahead of the Kid on the bike.

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train --

he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own F***ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness."
"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied,

"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by say: God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa. The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don0t know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died. The father thought that was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died.

“Jesus” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “ I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.

She said, “you think you’ve had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson.