Post a Joke.

[Kentonmag Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kentonmag]

Old fella logic

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

[Kentonmag Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kentonmag]

Old fella logic No2

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Kentonmag Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kentonmag]

Last one

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of
them was washing her private area and noticed that there
was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched
her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe
a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring
her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally
agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the
room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she
choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

[Kay H Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Kay H]

Newly ordained Priest

A newly ordained priest was given his 1st assignment in his parish, which was to officiate at a wedding. Not having attended many weddings himself, he was extremely nervous. He went to his pastor and told him how inadequate he felt and could the pastor give him some advice. The pastor thought for a moment and told the priest to write himself a few notes and if he really got stuck to quote scripture. Quoting scripture can fill in lots of gaps and it certainly wouldn't offend anyone.

The priest got thru the Mass fine, referred to his notes when the couple made their vows but was at a loss for something personal and eloquent to say at the end of the ceremony. He paused, remembered what his pastor had suggested and proceeded to place his left hand on the bride's head and his right hand on the groom's head. He smiled brightly and said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do".

[lawren2 Malibu Beach Barbie & A Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close lawren2]

A newly ordained priest was given his 1st assignment in his parish, which was to officiate at a wedding. Not having attended many weddings himself, he was extremely nervous. He went to his pastor and told him how inadequate he felt and could the pastor give him some advice. The pastor thought for a moment and told the priest to write himself a few notes and if he really got stuck to quote scripture. Quoting scripture can fill in lots of gaps and it certainly wouldn't offend anyone.

The priest got thru the Mass fine, referred to his notes when the couple made their vows but was at a loss for something personal and eloquent to say at the end of the ceremony. He paused, remembered what his pastor had suggested and proceeded to place his left hand on the bride's head and his right hand on the groom's head. He smiled brightly and said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do".

[rikkis_playpen Diamond Club Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close rikkis_playpen]

Redneck Smoke Detector!

[rikkis_playpen Diamond Club Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close rikkis_playpen]

A Heartwarming Christmas Story

I was just sent this one and it made me smile..

*******

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help
me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner
for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[ShadowFX88 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ShadowFX88]

Jokes

An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what he thinks is the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks, 'Have you caught anything yet?'

The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before answering, 'Aye, you be the ninth today.

[RESORT2ME Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close RESORT2ME]

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be: Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc. They would receive money instead of having to pay it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists. Simple clothing - i.e.., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free upon request.. There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens. Each senior would have a P. C., T. V., phone and radio in their room at no cost. They would receive daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection. The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals: They would receive cold food. They would be left alone and unsupervised. They would receive showers once a week. They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month. They would have no hope of ever getting out. "Sounds like justice to me!"

[ShadowFX88 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ShadowFX88]

A really bad joke

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

[susieq Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close susieq]

Too Cute!!

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

Gary was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few short years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and said she would definitely see him later.

Sure enough, three weeks later she became his stepmother.

[rdcigc Member Find all posts View Profile Close rdcigc]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said,
‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and Then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband
aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
___________________________________________
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’