When Insults Had Class...

[Nadonahoe Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Nadonahoe]

Quotes:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to
Winston Churchill...followed by

Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will
attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party,
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

[Glitter Brunello Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Glitter Brunello]

Wow you are on some kind of a roll today!!

[Keitht Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Keitht]

Another one attributed to Churchill runs something like -

Woman to Churchill "You Sir are drunk"
Churchill to woman "And you madam are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning".

Whilst making absolutely no claims to be in the same class as those above I did come out with one of which I am very proud.
A member of our local camera club was a royal pain in the backside. You know the type - whatever you say they have something bigger, faster, brighter, dearer.. A bit like a Texan Well he arrived one night to inform us that he was moving away and this would be his last visit to our club. In future he would be attending Aylesbury Camera Club. Virtually without thinking I just said "Oh, never mind. Their loss is our gain" For a few moments there was silence apart from brain cogs whirring. That was followed by a lot of laughter from everybody apart from the leaver I've never managed to come close to matching it.

[Nadonahoe Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Nadonahoe]

Unexpected free time

I have a retired friend who sends me tons of interesting jokes, quotes, cartoons, movie clips etc. She's been busier than usual and I've been busier than usual at work - so there are a ton of emails built-up and I'm going through some of them today and thought I would share with the TS4MS members. I'm glad you are getting a few smiles out of the postings.... Noelle

[Beaglemom3 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Beaglemom3]

"She could light up a room just by leaving it". (I'm not sure who said it)

and, my favorite "She slept her way to the middle".

"He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly."

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

Another one attributed to Churchill runs something like -

Woman to Churchill "You Sir are drunk"
Churchill to woman "And you madam are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning".

You Brits have it all over the rest of the English speaking world when it comes to proper insults. Churchill is good, but David Lloyd George has the all-time classic:

When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit.

[Beaglemom3 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Beaglemom3]

:

When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit.

Youch !!

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. - Heywood Broun

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. - Groucho Marx

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and forgot to say "when". - P.G. Wodehouse

She was a professional athlete - of the tongue. - Aldous Huxley

Her features did not seem to know the value of teamwork. - George Ade

The finest woman that ever walked the streets. - Mae West

She's been on more laps than a napkin. - Walter Winchell

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met - Abraham Lincoln

He continued to be an infant long after he ceased to be a prodigy. - Robert Moses

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear". But then again, he doesn't know the meaning of most words. - Unkonwn

His words leap across rivers and mountains, but his thoughts are still only isx inches long. - E.B. White

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for three days. - Unknown

You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, probable. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

If brains was lard, he couldn't grease a pan. - Buddy Ebsen (as Jed in "The Beverly Hillbillies")

If Gladstone fell in the Thames, that would be a misfortune. But if someone fished him out again, that would be a calamity. - Benjamin Disraeli

One could not even dignify him [Stanley Baldwin] with the name of "stuffed shirt". He was simply a hole in the air. - George Orwell

Neville Chamberlain looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe. - Winston Churchill

****

And a couple from Dorothy Parker

Where does she find them? - upon being told that Clare Booth Luce was always kind to her inferiors

That's strange, your mother could." - upon being told by an invited guest, "I really can't come to your parry, I can't bear fools".

[lawren2 Malibu Beach Barbie & A Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close lawren2]

Noelle thanks for sharing these.

My fave so far: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

[Nadonahoe Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Nadonahoe]

Thank you to all you word mavens, punsters and masters of the double entendre for your additions to the post - I wish I was as clever with the notable 'quotables' such as Churchill, Mark Twain, Thomas Jefferson left as their legacy..... Noelle

[Carolinian Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close Carolinian]

There was also an incident in 1850s Washington, DC when a senator who was a leading southern partisan was walking down a narrow wooden sidewalk along a muddy street, only wide enough for one to pass when he encountered a leading northern partisan senator coming the other way. ''I never step aside for a barbarian'' exclaimed the northerner. His southern counterpast responded, ''I always do'' as he stepped into the muddy street.

[xnavyss Member Find all posts View Profile Close xnavyss]

Thanks

Now if only I could remember some of these


Joe

[T. R. Oglodyte Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close T. R. Oglodyte]

He said he was tired of being a pessimistic, always feeling as if his cup was half-[STRIKE]full[/STRIKE] empty. So I told him to start shopping in the junior department.

[lawren2 Malibu Beach Barbie & A Super Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close lawren2]

He said he was tired of being a pessimistic, always feeling as if his cup was half-full. So I told him to start shopping in the junior department.

Steve,

Wouldn't a pessimist keep feeling that his cup was half-empty?

ETA: either way it has to be uncomfortable.