Men and women miscellany

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Men and marriage

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, and buys several new outfits to dress up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . . . . Married the one with the largest breasts.

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A Useful Chain Letter

Change the genders and this works equally well for women ...

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping. This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back. Let's keep it going, men!

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Gifts for Men

The Holiday Season is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

1. When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
2. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8 inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
4. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
6. Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
7. Do not buy any man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
8. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
9. Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
10. Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
11. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
12. Tickets to any NFL or NBA game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
13. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
14. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
15. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

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Change the genders and this works equally well for women ...

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping. This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back. Let's keep it going, men!

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Differences between boys and girls

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
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2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
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3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
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4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
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5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
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6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
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7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
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8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
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9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long -- not because they look nice -- but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
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10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
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11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
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12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
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13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
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14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

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ATM Procedures

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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Men's/Women's Dictionary

Butt (but) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

Glass Ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Making Love (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
(Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.)

Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.

Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

Wants and Needs (wontz and needz) n.

Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

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What Women Want In Men

What I Want in a Man (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

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FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine....

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The Holiday Season is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems....

[bigfrank Administrator Find all posts View Profile Close bigfrank]

I almost missed some of these. Steve More