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Old Jokes
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughter visits me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a re tirement center were sitting on a b ench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a ne wborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thoug ht and thought and finally said, "What is the name of th at flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him i f his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in t he bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can rememb er it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, t he old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Will she do your laundry?"
"I doubt it."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars , but it's state of the art. It's perfect." < /EM>
"Really?" answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'Y ou've got a heart murmur; be careful."
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
> "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the
> medication you prescribed has to be taken
> for the rest of my life?"
> "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
> There was a moment of silence before the
> senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just
> how serious is my condition because this
> prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
> ***********************
> An older gentleman was on the operating table
> awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
> renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
>
> As he was about to get the anesthesia,
> he asked to speak to his son.
>
> "Yes, Dad, what is it? "
> "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just
> remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens
> to me, your mother is going to come
> and live with you and your wife...."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when
> you stop lying about your age and start
> bragging about it.
> ----------------------------
> The older we get, the fewer things seem
> worth waiting in line for.
> ----------------------------
> Some people try to turn back their odometers.
> Not me! I want people to know "why"
> I look this way.
> I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
> paved.
> ********************
> When you are dissatisfied and would
> like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> You know you are getting old when
> everything either dries up or leaks.
> ----------------------------
> One of the many things no one tells you about aging is
> that it is such a nice change
> from being young.
> <><>< ; ;><><><><><><>
> Ah, being young is beautiful,
> but being old is comfortable.
> <><><><><><><><><>
> First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then
> you forget to pull up your zipper.
> It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
> ----------------------------
> Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
> with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
> Today, it's called golf.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughter visits me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a re tirement center were sitting on a b ench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a ne wborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thoug ht and thought and finally said, "What is the name of th at flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him i f his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in t he bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can rememb er it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, t he old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Will she do your laundry?"
"I doubt it."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars , but it's state of the art. It's perfect." < /EM>
"Really?" answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'Y ou've got a heart murmur; be careful."
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
> "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the
> medication you prescribed has to be taken
> for the rest of my life?"
> "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
> There was a moment of silence before the
> senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just
> how serious is my condition because this
> prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
> ***********************
> An older gentleman was on the operating table
> awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
> renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
>
> As he was about to get the anesthesia,
> he asked to speak to his son.
>
> "Yes, Dad, what is it? "
> "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just
> remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens
> to me, your mother is going to come
> and live with you and your wife...."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when
> you stop lying about your age and start
> bragging about it.
> ----------------------------
> The older we get, the fewer things seem
> worth waiting in line for.
> ----------------------------
> Some people try to turn back their odometers.
> Not me! I want people to know "why"
> I look this way.
> I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
> paved.
> ********************
> When you are dissatisfied and would
> like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> You know you are getting old when
> everything either dries up or leaks.
> ----------------------------
> One of the many things no one tells you about aging is
> that it is such a nice change
> from being young.
> <><>< ; ;><><><><><><>
> Ah, being young is beautiful,
> but being old is comfortable.
> <><><><><><><><><>
> First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then
> you forget to pull up your zipper.
> It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
> ----------------------------
> Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
> with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
> Today, it's called golf.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
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