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Oil Change instructions
Oil Change instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
> 3000 miles since the last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
> a properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change:$20.00
> Coffee: $1.00
> Total:$21.00
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for men :
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
> and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
> cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00.
> 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a
> check for $20, drive home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
> stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
> oil on you in process. Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off
> of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
> wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
> screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
> filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly
> hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to
> avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
> thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
> 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 21) Drink beer.
> 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
> on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor
> spill. Drink beer.
> 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into
> eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain
> plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
> drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
> excess skin between knuckles and frame.
> 25) Begin cussing fit.
> 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench
> hit bowling trophy.
> 28) Beer.
> 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop
> blood flow.
> 30) Beer.
> 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 32) Beer.
> 33) Lower car from jack stands.
> 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
> 35) Beer.
> 36) Test drive car.
> 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
> the influence.
> 38) Car gets impounded.
> 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts:$50.00
> DUI:$2500.00
> Impound fee:$75.00
> Bail:$1500.00
> Beer:$20.00
> Total:$4,145.00
>
> But you know the job was done right!
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
> 3000 miles since the last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
> a properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change:$20.00
> Coffee: $1.00
> Total:$21.00
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for men :
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
> and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
> cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00.
> 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a
> check for $20, drive home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
> stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
> oil on you in process. Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off
> of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
> wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
> screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
> filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly
> hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to
> avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
> thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
> 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 21) Drink beer.
> 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
> on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor
> spill. Drink beer.
> 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into
> eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain
> plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
> drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
> excess skin between knuckles and frame.
> 25) Begin cussing fit.
> 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench
> hit bowling trophy.
> 28) Beer.
> 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop
> blood flow.
> 30) Beer.
> 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 32) Beer.
> 33) Lower car from jack stands.
> 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
> 35) Beer.
> 36) Test drive car.
> 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
> the influence.
> 38) Car gets impounded.
> 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts:$50.00
> DUI:$2500.00
> Impound fee:$75.00
> Bail:$1500.00
> Beer:$20.00
> Total:$4,145.00
>
> But you know the job was done right!
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