Unconfigured Ad Widget

Collapse

Unconfigured Ad Widget

Collapse

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

2007 Darwin Awards

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • 2007 Darwin Awards

    > The 2007 Darwin Awards
    >
    > Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    And the winner is:
    >
    > 1.When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
    >
    > And now, the honorable mentions:
    >
    > 2.The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around,submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
    >
    > 3.A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.Understandably, he shot her.
    >
    > 4.After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to wayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
    >
    > 5.An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
    >
    > 6.A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    > counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
    > the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
    > the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
    > fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
    > got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
    > you money, is a crime committed?]
    >
    > 7.Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
    >
    > 8.As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
    >
    > 9.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
    >
    > 10.When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
    >
    > In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
    >
    >
    > Remember... They walk among us
    >

  • #2
    Sorry - those are not Darwin Awards

    The key criteria for a Darwin award is that the person must remove their genes from the gene pool. Only the first one meets that criterion.

    My guess is that this is a dummied up Darwin Awards list sent via e-mail.

    ****

    [update]

    confirmed - that's a phony list. Here are the true 2007 Darwin Award Winners:
    • RUNNER UP # FIVE:
      THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)

      "Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills," remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.
    • RUNNER UP # FOUR:
      SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)

      June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.
    • RUNNER UP # THREE:
      BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)

      January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.

      (Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)
    • RUNNER UP # TWO:
      MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)

      January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.
    • RUNNER UP # ONE:
      WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

      June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. McCants said.
    • AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...
      THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

      May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

      Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

      When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

      The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

      In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.


    Looks as if Runners Up #1 were quite timely in eliminating their genetic material from the pool.
    “Maybe you shouldn't dress like that.”

    “This is a blouse and skirt. I don't know what you're talking about.”

    “You shouldn't wear that body.”

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks Steve. Wasn't aware of the criterion for these awards.

      Comment

      Working...
      X