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Long read, but funny 
>>>> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>>>> syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
>>>> story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>>>>
>>>> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>>>>
>>>> Here's what happened:
>>>>
>>>> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>>>> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
>>>> his room.
>>>>
>>>> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
>>>> Can
>>>> you help?"
>>>>
>>>> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
>>>> into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
>>>> back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>>>>
>>>> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
>>>>
>>>> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>>>>
>>>> I was equally outraged.
>>>>
>>>> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
>>>> reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
>>>>
>>>> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
>>>> inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
>>>>
>>>> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
>>>> most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
>>>>
>>>> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>>>>
>>>> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
>>>> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>>>>
>>>> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
>>>> on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>>>>
>>>> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced
>>>> "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked
>>>>
>>>> "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter
>>>> of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>>>>
>>>> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
>>>> tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>>>>
>>>> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>>>>
>>>> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>>>>
>>>> "Do something, Dad !" my son urged.
>>>>
>>>> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
>>>> it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
>>>> several more times with the same results.
>>>>
>>>> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
>>>>
>>>> "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
>>>> here with the females in my house?)
>>>>
>>>> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
>>>> with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>>>>
>>>> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>>>>
>>>> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
>>>> can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is
>>>> one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
>>>>
>>>> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
>>>> little animal through a magnifying glass.
>>>>
>>>> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>>>> speak to you privately for a moment?"
>>>>
>>>> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>>>>
>>>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
>>>> In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You
>>>> see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
>>>> maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate.
>>>> Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
>>>> wife.
>>>>
>>>> We were silent, absorbing this.
>>>>
>>>> "So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.
>>>>
>>>> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>>>>
>>>> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
>>>> And then even laugh loudly.
>>>>
>>>> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
>>>> woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
>>>> manliness.
>>>>
>>>> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm
>>>> picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She
>>>> gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>>>>
>>>> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
>>>> the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything
>>>> was going to be okay.
>>>>
>>>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>>>>
>>>> Two lizards: $140.
>>>>
>>>> One cage: $50.
>>>>
>>>> Trip to the vet: $30.
>>>>
>>>> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
>>>>
>>>> Priceless!
>>>>
>>>> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>>>>
>>>> Lizards lay eggs
>>>> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>>>> syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
>>>> story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>>>>
>>>> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>>>>
>>>> Here's what happened:
>>>>
>>>> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>>>> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
>>>> his room.
>>>>
>>>> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
>>>> Can
>>>> you help?"
>>>>
>>>> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
>>>> into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
>>>> back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>>>>
>>>> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
>>>>
>>>> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>>>>
>>>> I was equally outraged.
>>>>
>>>> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
>>>> reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
>>>>
>>>> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
>>>> inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
>>>>
>>>> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
>>>> most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
>>>>
>>>> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>>>>
>>>> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
>>>> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>>>>
>>>> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
>>>> on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>>>>
>>>> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced
>>>> "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked
>>>>
>>>> "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter
>>>> of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>>>>
>>>> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
>>>> tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>>>>
>>>> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>>>>
>>>> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>>>>
>>>> "Do something, Dad !" my son urged.
>>>>
>>>> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
>>>> it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
>>>> several more times with the same results.
>>>>
>>>> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
>>>>
>>>> "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
>>>> here with the females in my house?)
>>>>
>>>> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
>>>> with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>>>>
>>>> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>>>>
>>>> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
>>>> can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is
>>>> one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
>>>>
>>>> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
>>>> little animal through a magnifying glass.
>>>>
>>>> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>>>> speak to you privately for a moment?"
>>>>
>>>> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>>>>
>>>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
>>>> In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You
>>>> see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
>>>> maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate.
>>>> Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
>>>> wife.
>>>>
>>>> We were silent, absorbing this.
>>>>
>>>> "So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.
>>>>
>>>> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>>>>
>>>> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
>>>> And then even laugh loudly.
>>>>
>>>> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
>>>> woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
>>>> manliness.
>>>>
>>>> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm
>>>> picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She
>>>> gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>>>>
>>>> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
>>>> the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything
>>>> was going to be okay.
>>>>
>>>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
>>>>
>>>> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>>>>
>>>> Two lizards: $140.
>>>>
>>>> One cage: $50.
>>>>
>>>> Trip to the vet: $30.
>>>>
>>>> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
>>>>
>>>> Priceless!
>>>>
>>>> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>>>>
>>>> Lizards lay eggs
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